Buttons and Blessings

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When I think of all the things I want to do in my life, I get a burst of the happy butterflies – excitement mingled with anticipation followed by a quick mental to-do list of what I’d have to arrange in order to make a new plan happen. This causes me to find something(s) to purge immediately. The less I have to deal with now the easier a move will be later. I can take a glance at my surroundings and know right away how I’ll deal with it. This new venture will be a snap! I start swirling in a wanderluster’s euphoric strategizing, which provides great energy from which to launch.

Then the party poopers make an appearance with all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t pursue a new idea. They are reasonable considerations – do I have enough savings to quit my job? Will quitting now impede my ability to get another job later? What about health insurance? Could I sell my condo? What will the ramifications be if I do? These issues don’t discourage me. They’re only logistics to check off of my to-do list and are minor considerations compared to the opportunities of a roughly-planned and uncertain adventure.

But there are 2 things that cause hesitation in my excitement:

1) wanting the blessings of my family and  2) pushing the Do It button.

As Queen Bee researcher, list maker and adapter, knowing what I want to do, how I’ll do it and being able to flex with changes are not the problems. Imagining the look on my father’s face when I say I want to embark on said plan is. Not that we haven’t had practice with this scenario over the years – oh, we have. But as each adventure winds down I sense renewed hope from him that Now She’s Done Her Thing and Will Settle Down to Work For the Rest of Her Life, Obtaining Company Sponsored Health Insurance and a Mortgage (I can check that off). I wince because I know better how things might happen. Pursuing life in an unconventional manner IS my work, it seems.

So far we’ve worked it out. My parents always come around and are supportive as they watch me craft my dream into reality, and they express their admiration for my planning and “management” of my life. But they are traditionalists and are more comfortable with the predictable path. I try to be sensitive to that. We are different people. Still, even after all these years and projects, I find that having their blessing is an important part of the package.

Then I have to address my second problem. Got the folks on board, the itinerary set, my “I’m leaving work” speech drafted in my head. All that’s left to do is…um, doing it. Now. ok…Now! 1, 2, 3, Go! Do it! Man, it’s just like when I was a kid wanting to jump off the high dive. I could climb the ladder, walk out on the board, look down, even stick my shaky little foot into the air. But it took forever before I finally plugged my nose and stepped off.

I often read in travel articles that there is never the perfect time or enough money to pursue a dream. You just have to decide to go, then go. Except for thinking I don’t have enough money, I do have the time. I don’t have to adapt for a partner who is not supportive or worry about kids. It’s always been the perfect time for me. I work for a few years, get restless, pursue an adventure, work again, repeat. But as I get older, I think I have less permission. I put that limit on myself and that makes pushing the button more challenging. At least I know what my problem is. I even know how to address it.  

So perhaps that is the new challenge for me – giving myself permission to say yes. Again.