6 Reasons Why I Named My Stomach Parasite Lawrence Summers

By timpatterson On April 27, 2009 · 12 Comments

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The man who manipulates the U.S. economy has a lot in common with the parasite that manipulates my intestines.

Last month, I picked up a stomach parasite on the banks of the Ganges.

Perhaps my parasite arrived via a warm cup of chai, or floating on crushed mint in a glass of ice tea, or riding shotgun on the hot samosa that a taxi driver bought me at a roadside stand.

Truth be told, I’m not very interested in how my parasite arrived in my gut. What I want to know is how to make it leave.

For a while, my parasite seemed like just another stomach bug. First, I tried to kill it with Cipro. When that didn’t work, I tried Flagyl, which seemed to do the trick for a few days, until the parasite returned.

After a few weeks of diarrhea, my parasite ceased being annoying and stared getting scary. Before long I was down to 123 pounds and dry-heaving every time I saw an Indian restaurant.

During a long session over a squat toilet in Laos, I decided to give my unwelcome guest a name.

Who did my parasite remind me of?

Peyton Manning? Nah, only if he played for Cleveland.

Rush Limbaugh? Nope, my parasite seemed too crafty.

Finally, I hit on the perfect namesake for my tormentor: Lawrence Summers.

Here are 10 reasons why my stomach parasite reminds me of the current Director of the National Economic Council.

1) Lawrence Summers is tenacious.

The Lawrence Summers in my gut has survived doses of Cipro, Flagyl and Azythromycin. The Lawrence Summers in the White House has survived allegations of sexism and the first stage of an economic crisis caused in large part by deregulatory policies that he continues to endorse.

2) Lawrence Summers likes to nap.

The Lawrence Summers in my gut makes me sleepy and lethargic. The Lawrence Summers in the White House recently dozed off in a meeting on fiscal responsibility.

3) Lawrence Summers is hard to work with.

I find it difficult to get my work done when Lawrence Summers is acting up. Likewise, respected members of the Obama economic team are annoyed when Lawrence Summers pushes them aside in order to advance his economic agenda.

4) Lawrence Summers has a twisted view of freedom.

The Lawrence Summers in my gut believes in the free and unrestricted flow of crap from my bowels. The Lawrence Summers in the White House believes in the free and unrestricted flow of capital from pension funds and retirement accounts to his pals at Citigroup.

5) Lawrence Summers is not as secure as he thinks he is.

As tenacious as he’s been so far, I’m sure that I’ll dislodge Lawrence Summers from my gut once and for all. I also trust President Obama’s judgment, and believe he’ll soon realize that Lawrence Summers is far too chummy with the Wall Street establishment to give sound economic advice.

6) America will be better off without Lawrence Summers around.

I feel bad about carrying Lawrence Summers onto American soil. Sure, he’s not as vicious as the swine flu, but I still wish I had left him behind in India. Likewise, I wish Lawrence Summers would move to the harmless halls of academia, or decide to go back to his 5.2 million dollar part-time hedge fund job.

What do you think?

Is it fair to compare a respected economist to an illiterate pathogen? If you had a parasite, would you give it a name?

12 responses to 6 Reasons Why I Named My Stomach Parasite Lawrence Summers

Kate Sedgwick said on August 8, 2009

Oh, Tim. You’re the best. I love this.

I am however wishing for 4 more of these reasons as you promised us 10! But the six are good enough to substitute for 10.
Robyn Michelle said on July 28, 2009

Very funny! I don’t know what is more disturbing, that picture of Lawrence Summers or the paragraph on diarrhea and dry-heaving.
Alanna Roethle said on July 21, 2009

You crack me up. I hope you gave Summers the heave-ho.
Dan Sauve said on July 20, 2009

What a great story! Now I want my own parasite.

Dan ‘The Gypsy Dad’ Sauve
http://www.TheModernVagabond.com
http://themodernvagabond.ning.com/
Matthew Lynch said on June 9, 2009

very, very clever. give us more! [the writing, not the parasite please...]
Tim Patterson said on May 9, 2009

Aw, thanks Candice.
candicew86 said on May 8, 2009

This has got to be the funniest blog I’ve read on this site to date…
Tim Patterson said on May 3, 2009

Thanks for the good words guys – now that I’m home in Vermont chugging Maple Syrup I’ve got my appetite back and Lawrence Summers appears to be in remission.
Heidi said on May 1, 2009

LOVE it! I also love the fact that those who have done travels in certain areas, you become quite interested in toilets and other people’s sagas that involve their bodily functions.
I haven’t named any of my stomach dilemmas, just the critters that I share my room with.
Michael Lynch said on May 1, 2009

Dude,
Change doctors and get rid of that thing before you become too attached to it ! Gave my 3d wife the nickname “Princess” and she’s been hanging around for years, now !
Audrey Kanekoa-Madrid said on April 27, 2009

Here here! I think it is totally fair….and if I had an annoying parasite, I would name it the Napolitano Nuisance. I have my reasons
Matt Scott said on April 27, 2009

I named mine Terry(the tape worm) – for absolutely no other reason that it was the first name that came to mind. Perhaps I should have tried to be more intillectual about it.
Nice piece, thanks