As far as you’re concerned, Wisconsin is superior to Illinois in every way. Well, except for Chicago. We don’t have an equivalent for Chicago. A minor inconvenience, as Wisconsin surely wins in most other aspects. You frequently comment on how badly those flatlanders drive when you’re bar hopping with other Cheeseheads, which surely wins you a free Miller Lite.
As long as Ryan Braun keeps hitting home runs and looking like a Greek God, you can forgive his steroid scandal and accept his heartfelt apology. He’s still a dedicated Brewer after all, and keeps the ladies swooning while they down their Cracker Jacks. At least he didn’t pretend to retire and then try to make a comeback as the star of a rival team.
Nowadays, Favre jerseys can only be found rotting away in second-hand stores, while Braun shirts are proudly sported all over Wisconsin. You also know that the only appropriate item to wear at an ugly sweater party is a Favre jersey.
Only the smart kids in your high school got accepted to Madison while everyone else was stuck going to Milwaukee and Whitewater. Big things are expected from people who attend UW-Madison, which is known for its difficult classes. There have even been petitions trying to place Madison in the Ivy League, and you agree that’s where it belongs.
So you had to go all the way to Disney World this summer to enjoy a little water park? That’s cute. Wisconsin makes up for its terrible winters by providing an entire water park town during the scorching summer weeks. (That’s right, weeks not months.) All Wisconsinites make their way to the Dells for a few days each summer, and laugh at everyone else who doesn’t live in the “The Waterpark Capital of the World.”
All year round, you find yourself roaming Fleet Farm for hunting rifles and neon orange gear in preparation for hunting season. During the week before Thanksgiving, you and all of your Cheesehead comrades mysteriously disappear only to turn up with either fresh venison or frustrated looks. More of a rite of passage than a sport, you will spend days at a hunting cabin, waking up before the sun in order to snag the perfect buck.
In a world of green and gold, sporting the colors of other Midwestern professional football teams is considered treason. Wearing any combination of purple and gold or navy and orange is cause for suspicion. A true Wisconsinite is a Packer fan through and through and only offers glares and turned backs to a fan of any other kind — whether they’re a fellow Midwesterner or not.
The ultimate test to prove your Wisconsinite-ness is to choose the correct method of brat (pronounced braht) consumption. You know that a brat, even though its shape is the same as a hotdog, does not belong inside a hotdog bun but inside a hard roll (which is actually a very soft hamburger bun). To put ketchup on a brat is nothing short of ridiculous. Commit these crimes and you might as well say, “Go Vikings!”
It’s no secret that Wisconsinites have a specific accent. When you travel to other parts of the country, people can easily detect that you’re from Wisconsin due to your accent and other quirks — like saying “Don’cha know” and “Oh, ya” all the time.
To you and all true Cheeseheads, nothing is more important than the Packers. Even in the off-season you’re discussing the draft, Fantasy Football competitions, and Aaron Rodgers’ love life. Support for the Packers is 24/7 no matter what the circumstances.
Every summer, you and thousands of your fellow Wisconsinites flock to the local fairgrounds in search of the ultimate summer treat: the cream puff. It’s a puffy pastry sliced in half, filled with freshly whipped cream, and covered in powdered sugar. Nothing tastes as perfect as the first bite of this holy delicacy. 