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AFTER PRESIDENT OBAMA’S State of the Union address last night, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) gave the official GOP response. His performance has been described as pretty much toeing the party line, in which he accused the president of stifling economic growth and not having an adequate plan for Social Security.

But the most memorable moment of his speech was when the senator ducked out mid-broadcast to gulp from a bottle of water.

This morning he defended his position on drinking Poland Springs on Good Morning America, saying “I needed water, what am I going to do?” and “God has a funny way of reminding us we’re human.”

Scanning internet reactions, his speech seems to have alienated women and Jews, but I’d say he also missed a chance with all of us not familiar with the Poland Springs brand. If Rubio wanted to take his 2016 bid for President seriously, he should have used his spotlight to target other demographics left out of the conversation. He could have done this by choosing a different beverage.

1. Orange juice

Instead of respecting his own constituency by drinking pure Florida Orange Juice, Rubio went for the Vitamin C-free clear stuff. Faux pas.

2. Tomato juice

Rubio knows how important swing states are, but he failed to embrace Ohio by swigging some of their state’s tomato juice. (Yes, this is actually Ohio’s “State Beverage,” so decreed in 1965.)

3. Kool-Aid

Rubio could have given a shout-out to Nebraska by drinking the state’s official soft drink. Perhaps even signifying it as a metaphor for all the barriers he’d smash through as President.

4. Cranberry juice

If Rubio had opened his heart to a glass of cranberry juice, Massachusetts would have seen this as an olive branch between the Republican senator and the Democratic stronghold. The first step towards attaining a Kennedy-like dynasty is a glass of cranberry juice (and then a few more glasses of scotch.)

5. Piña colada

If he’d bent down for a piña colada, Rubio could have shown his support for Puerto Rico’s recent statehood vote by drinking their official beverage.

6. Napa Valley wine

Californians are never going to vote for Marco Rubio, but we’re so vain that we consistently want our products to appear in the national spotlight. Who wouldn’t want to toast to a glass of Napa Valley Chardonnay with its buttered, oaky overtones and citrus flavor profile?

7. Moonshine

If there’d been moonshine in that Poland Springs bottle, Rubio could have thoroughly endeared himself to Appalachia. He also would have shown his support for local ma & pop manufacturing.

8. Sazerac

This speech was delivered on Fat Tuesday — he should have pounded a few Sazerac in honor of New Orleans. Bonus points for going Mardi Gras and ending the TV spot by throwing beads at the camera.

9. Apple cider

All those Libertarians who moved to New Hampshire are sad Gary Johnston didn’t make an impact in the last election, so they’re looking for a candidate who drinks their state’s official beverage. He’d have shown that he believes in “Living Free & Drinking Apple Motherfucking Cider.”

10. PBR

By shotgunning a PBR, Rubio could have snagged an overwhelming percentage of the ironic vote. Of course, people who “vote ironically” don’t actually remember “to vote.”

11. Kombucha

If Rubio had sipped from a mug of kombucha, he would have made inroads with the growing demographic of citizens who identify as Pro-Biotic-Americans. If he’d then placed crystals around his office, he also would have seen his numbers rise among New-Age-Americans.

12. Maple syrup

Rubio downing a glass of maple syrup would’ve shown Americans living in Canada (and those damn New England liberals) that he meant business — whatever you think about his politics, drinking that viscous liquid because you’re thirsty is pretty badass.

13. Milk

Milk is the most popular official state beverage — an easy pick to appeal to mainstream America. Or is it? He’d still alienate vegans and people with lactose intolerance, and actually, I’m getting a stomachache just thinking about milk.

14. Monster Energy Drink

Rubio might be in with Middle America, but I think he’s completely omitting EXTREME-Americans. If he’d guzzled a Monster, he’d pretty much have pledged to become the first President with the guts to build a motocross track on the White House lawn.

15. Sizzurp

With BPMs dropping across the country, Rubio should have paid homage to the Chopped N’ Screwed community by sipping some sizzurp.

[gifs via Buzzfeed]

Activism + Politics Humor

 

About The Author

Josh Heller

Josh is a writer from Los Angeles. He has lived in Mexico City, New York, and Berlin with extensive jaunts to Latin America and Europe.

  • Bob Hale

    It’s GOD who makes us thirsty? WOW…That guy had better find a decent Bible teacher! That’s such poor theology! Poor! And he’s a legislator? Know-Nothings are alive and well in the GOP. Lord (YES!, LORD) help us!

    • Todd Brachman

      How many water breaks did you take during a newscast? Did you keep the water near you or across the room?

    • Al Nichols

      Bob, I know, I am a registered Republican, and some of these guys lately over there (especially those that align themselves with the tea Party movement), seem to have had their trains come off the rails! Not a fan of many of the presidents policys and agendas the Democrats espouse, but at least Obama personally seems like a good guy.

    • Bill Brown

      What have we become as a species when a drink of water causes more controversy than the content of his speech?!

    • Bob Hale

      I took no water breaks. I’ve never seen a newscaster if he/she needed a water break do it during the story! The content was the expected response, so his water break was the only note worthy item in the presentation. It has nothing to do with political leanings…just a comment on being unprepared…and doing something few if anyone else did or does! Turning it back on me seems a tad off the mark…I suppose there is a connection somehow there. It was just something “different.” Hardy something to wonder what we have become…hardly a controversy…gee, how can remarks about something we see on TV be considered a controversy? Nobody’s nose is out of joint over this. The real “way out” aspect of it is attributing thirst to God’s intervention! That’s plain silly.

  • Evan Tennant

    I cant understand why this is such a big deal…dude was thirsy so he grabbed some h20. libs needa get over it.

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