15 alternatives for Marco Rubio’s water grab
AFTER PRESIDENT OBAMA’S State of the Union address last night, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) gave the official GOP response. His performance has been described as pretty much toeing the party line, in which he accused the president of stifling economic growth and not having an adequate plan for Social Security.
But the most memorable moment of his speech was when the senator ducked out mid-broadcast to gulp from a bottle of water.
This morning he defended his position on drinking Poland Springs on Good Morning America, saying “I needed water, what am I going to do?” and “God has a funny way of reminding us we’re human.”
Scanning internet reactions, his speech seems to have alienated women and Jews, but I’d say he also missed a chance with all of us not familiar with the Poland Springs brand. If Rubio wanted to take his 2016 bid for President seriously, he should have used his spotlight to target other demographics left out of the conversation. He could have done this by choosing a different beverage.
1. Orange juice
Instead of respecting his own constituency by drinking pure Florida Orange Juice, Rubio went for the Vitamin C-free clear stuff. Faux pas.
2. Tomato juice
Rubio knows how important swing states are, but he failed to embrace Ohio by swigging some of their state’s tomato juice. (Yes, this is actually Ohio’s “State Beverage,” so decreed in 1965.)
Rubio could have given a shout-out to Nebraska by drinking the state’s official soft drink. Perhaps even signifying it as a metaphor for all the barriers he’d smash through as President.
4. Cranberry juice
If Rubio had opened his heart to a glass of cranberry juice, Massachusetts would have seen this as an olive branch between the Republican senator and the Democratic stronghold. The first step towards attaining a Kennedy-like dynasty is a glass of cranberry juice (and then a few more glasses of scotch.)
5. Piña colada
If he’d bent down for a piña colada, Rubio could have shown his support for Puerto Rico’s recent statehood vote by drinking their official beverage.
6. Napa Valley wine
Californians are never going to vote for Marco Rubio, but we’re so vain that we consistently want our products to appear in the national spotlight. Who wouldn’t want to toast to a glass of Napa Valley Chardonnay with its buttered, oaky overtones and citrus flavor profile?
If there’d been moonshine in that Poland Springs bottle, Rubio could have thoroughly endeared himself to Appalachia. He also would have shown his support for local ma & pop manufacturing.
This speech was delivered on Fat Tuesday — he should have pounded a few Sazerac in honor of New Orleans. Bonus points for going Mardi Gras and ending the TV spot by throwing beads at the camera.
9. Apple cider
All those Libertarians who moved to New Hampshire are sad Gary Johnston didn’t make an impact in the last election, so they’re looking for a candidate who drinks their state’s official beverage. He’d have shown that he believes in “Living Free & Drinking Apple Motherfucking Cider.”
By shotgunning a PBR, Rubio could have snagged an overwhelming percentage of the ironic vote. Of course, people who “vote ironically” don’t actually remember “to vote.”
If Rubio had sipped from a mug of kombucha, he would have made inroads with the growing demographic of citizens who identify as Pro-Biotic-Americans. If he’d then placed crystals around his office, he also would have seen his numbers rise among New-Age-Americans.
12. Maple syrup
Rubio downing a glass of maple syrup would’ve shown Americans living in Canada (and those damn New England liberals) that he meant business — whatever you think about his politics, drinking that viscous liquid because you’re thirsty is pretty badass.
Milk is the most popular official state beverage — an easy pick to appeal to mainstream America. Or is it? He’d still alienate vegans and people with lactose intolerance, and actually, I’m getting a stomachache just thinking about milk.
14. Monster Energy Drink
Rubio might be in with Middle America, but I think he’s completely omitting EXTREME-Americans. If he’d guzzled a Monster, he’d pretty much have pledged to become the first President with the guts to build a motocross track on the White House lawn.
With BPMs dropping across the country, Rubio should have paid homage to the Chopped N’ Screwed community by sipping some sizzurp.
[gifs via Buzzfeed]