A normal friend will give up in an argument when they know they’ve been bested.
A friend from New York City will always have the last word.
A normal friend will take a leisurely stroll with you.
A friend from New York City power walks.
A normal friend complains when the price of milk goes up.
A friend from New York City gets excited when they can find a gallon of milk for less than $5.
A normal friend will invite you over for a nice, homecooked meal.
A friend from New York City will invite you over for a nice, cooked meal…from whatever takeout place is their favorite on Seamless.
A normal friend knows that Judaism is a religion.
A friend from New York City can explain the various sects and which neighborhoods they live in, gets off from work for Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Passover (even when they aren’t Jewish), and knows where the best kosher delis are.
A normal friend will flip through magazines with you.
A friend from New York City is probably the editor of the issue you’re currently reading.
A normal friend looks both ways before crossing the street.
A friend from New York City doesn’t take traffic into consideration when (jay)walking and will in fact throw a stare of death at any vehicle that dares to challenge them.
A normal friend will go shopping with you.
A friend from New York City will be your personal stylist.
A normal friend isn’t afraid to stay in on the weekends, especially if they’re trying to save some money.
A friend from New York City will drag you out of your apartment to go drinking, dancing, or whatever, no matter how broke you/they are.
A normal friend complains about their 30-minute commute to work.
A friend from New York City will travel over an hour to their job, by subway and/or bus (and sometimes ferry, if you’re from Staten Island), and be like, “No big deal.”
A normal friend will be disappointed when their favorite sports team loses, but secretly knows they lost because they just aren’t that good.
A friend from New York City will defend their favorite sports team to the death. It doesn’t matter if the Mets, Islanders, or Jets lose basically every game.
A normal friend gets excited when they spot a celebrity on the street.
A friend from New York City will roll their eyes and say, “You know I hooked up with James Franco last week, right?”
A normal friend will meet up with you for a few happy-hour drinks after work.
A friend from New York City will be dancing on the bar, three Long Island iced teas in, by the time you arrive.
A normal friend will celebrate your birthday by singing “Happy Birthday” to you.
A friend from New York City will scream “IT’S THIS BITCH’S BIRTHDAY — EVERYONE BUY HER A DRINK!” on the street, and at every bar you go to.
A normal friend will go with you to experience Sleep No More.
A friend from New York City will go with you to experience Sleep No More…for the 17th time (BECAUSE IT’S JUST. THAT. GOOD).
A normal friend will say something like, “Bushwick — that’s a dodgy area, right?”
A friend from New York City will reply with something like, “I’ve had my iPhone stolen like five times in Bushwick, but it’s still the coolest place to live in New York City!”
A normal friend will stick up for you when someone hurts your feelings.
A friend from New York City will ask where you want them to hide the bodies.
Photo: Jim Pennucci