Comments on: Why is it so difficult to talk about death?

By: max

max — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 22:56:26 +0000

In my opinion the main reason why we don’t talk about death is because each and everyone of us experienced it, the loss of a dog, a friend, a familiy member…and those memories come up with hearing the word “death” wich causes us pain. The tragedy of losing a person that is close to us left some sort of mark in our head that reminds us of the good times spend together and that we won’t be with them ever again, but that’s just what I’m thinking

By: debra

debra — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 16:46:34 +0000

I am sorry for your loss and recall my parents passing a number of years ago… and felt the need to mention the wonderful support both my parents and we children received from their synagogue friends and rabbi during their illnesses, burial and mourning periods…
But it helps if you belong first…
I found most of the family unable to deal with the basic concept and that sometimes they would go through the stages of anger and denial that are probably common to all loss of that scale…
My mother was convinced that if my father would eat, he would get better and thought he was not eating to spite her… when I gently said, how can you expect an unconscious man to eat?… she blew up and would not speak to me for 3 days… until she broke down and admitted that it was likely he would die, no matter what she did… acceptance helps..
before she passed, she had a birthday party and spoke (on oxygen) for 15 minutes, thanking everyone and talking about what an incredible life she had and the doctors who were helping her … and died 2 weeks later… peacefully in the hospital…
With regard to expressing it all… give yourself time to grieve… whenever the moment hits…
I found myself in my car, on the side of the road and crying or writing poetry to my dad…
and had the privilege to share it on the year’s anniversary and stone setting…
My brothers found solace in attending daily prayers to say the Kaddish over the entire year following their deaths… and in avoiding parties and music for the same period…
and in fact, we had to create 2 spaces for the bar mitzvah of my son and nephew so that there could be some music… you compromise and find ways to accomodate grief rituals …
I hope I didn’t get too carried away…
and may you know no more sorrow…

By: Nedemgirl

Nedemgirl — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 15:34:30 +0000

it’s fear of the unknown. we don’t know what awaits us after we die. where do we go? that’s what people are scared of. they want to be in control of things, to know what happens next like in life but sadly nobody has ever died and come back to tell us what it ws like.

By: freddy

freddy — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 23:26:31 +0000

We are afraid to die because we have not yet lived. At the edge of the unknown, in the line of uncertainty, is where the human psyche awakens to real life. The predictable, security and fear based existence recommended by the status quo is not living at all, but living dead. A zombie condition that paralyzes true happiness and the miracles of living in faith. When we “know nothing”, we will return to our childlike state of being where no fear exists. And we will live forever.

By: Dorothy

Dorothy — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 22:55:31 +0000

I deplore the fact that Death is such a dirty word here in the West. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate evil if everybody lived forever? Probably because I’ve lived much of my life in the East, I’m more comfortable with the concept of Life and Death being a whole continuum. Perhaps that is pervasive thinking there because life is more tenuous and people don’t live long lives in general. This is not to say that one doesn’t feel pain and a huge loss when someone close dies–it’s just not such a surprise, such a sense of “how could this happen?” It’s all in the appointed order of Life that it should end, whether we want it to or not.

By: Scott

Scott — Wed, 26 May 2010 21:44:35 +0000

I’ve spent over a third of my almost three years in India (over five trips) in Varanasi, one of the most auspicious places for a Hindu to die. People from all over India come to die there. You can’t miss death in Varnasi: the glowing fires at Manikarnika Ghat – the main burning ghat in the city; the daily stream of biers being carried through the streets, bodies wrapped in sequined cloth; and the occasional glimpse of a body in the Ganges. It is a part of life.

Personally, I’ve never had an issue with death. I was in Pakistan when my father died, unexpectedly and accidentally, in Paris. I was driving a van from Quetta to Islamabad and had a dream. Of a river, six boats on the river, one coming to shore while the others continued downstream. The lone man in the boat walked up the steep hill to the Tibetan style guesthouse I was in, walked toward me, then into me. Not bumping me, but in TO me. Eight months later I was in a remote cabin in Utah, writing about that trip – reading the journal for the first time since writing about the dream . . . the day I had the dream is the day my father died.

Something IS going on Here . . .

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 22:50:18 +0000

Thank you Leigh.
Maybe part the whole picture in talking about death is realizing that we are truly part of some kind of continuum . The idea of us is always here – I can remember my Dad and all the things he said or did that I wish to. I can’t hold his hand, but do feel I can talk to him when I need to — find him in a river when I’m fishing.

Although this is small comfort when we wish someone physically near.

So I’m back to a ceremony. There is a local musician who goes to hospitals and hospices who plays guitar music for patients and families. I love that idea.

The medical and pharmaceutical communities are focused on keeping us alive – and in part that is OK. However, by denying passing perhaps we are missing a time when there are some kinds of gifts to be given.

Writing, hiking on a mountain trail, fishing or wading in a stream help me. However, there’s still a hole where a ceremony needs to be.

Maybe we can create a bit of community here where we can share ceremony ideas? That would be more positive than what’s happening in the news.

By: Leigh

Leigh — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 22:33:16 +0000

Carolyn,

I think you said it rather perfectly.

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 22:23:49 +0000

My father passed on in November –
I could see my mother wishing he would not leave.
She didn’t want any help from Hospice – Dad could have used it .
I felt a sense of loss – not because Dad had been ill for over two years and kept going in and out of hospitals and rehab places – but because , as was mentioned above – our society – churches, synagogues, temples, – and all the people that visit them or contact their holy people – somehow haven’t created a space that supports, tends to either the person dying or the family.

We are afraid of the unknown . If we can’t see it , it must be bad.

Some how , some where, some group of people have to come together to create ceremonies that work for them. A sort of gentle place where they can feel cared for.
Some societies do this better – the Native Americans had ceremonies.
We have lost the ability and desire to connect with the Natural world, to find peace anywhere.

When I die I want to be on the dance floor in the middle of a tango –
Or fishing in a mountain stream.

Now I creating an after the fact ceremony for my Dad. .. I’m a writer, but words are escaping me

By: Steve

Steve — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 21:11:37 +0000

I think that people have such a hard time talking about death is because it is a hard topic to talk about. So people avoid it. It’s pushed off to the side as something that will happen someday and to just ignore it for now. I like to use it as a way to motivate me into getting as many things done in life as possible.