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Photo: dontcallmeikke, Feature Photo: expecting t0 fly

When you are out in the world bemoaning the fact that Americans are often viewed as spoiled, privileged children with no taste and searching for reasons why, perhaps you need look no further than some of the inventions of our very own American fast food chains.

Only a society hell-bent on the instant satisfaction of its basest needs at rock bottom prices could possibly generate the cuisine that follows. Don’t blame other countries for their love-hate relationship with the country that brings addictive, disgusting foods to their cities that both repulse and attract.

They know it’s disgusting and so do you.

KFC Bowls

I agree with Patton Oswalt that these are one step away from food in a squeezable tube or eating from a trough. KFC layers cheese on gravy on starch upon starch and tops it off with some chicken that is half its weight in deep fried chemical laden breading.

Photo: shareski

The best part? It can all be shoveled in with a plastic spoon. No time need be lost manually cutting one piece from another, and you can forget about all that pesky chewing – the only part you’ll need teeth for is the chicken, the rest can literally be sucked down. Mmmm-mmmmm! 720 calories of nearly drinkable goodness!

McRib

If you want to get freaked out about fast food, look no further than the McRib. Food Facts will tell you more than you ever wanted to know about something you probably should never have put in your mouth. We know it’s not the first time, but in this case, there’s documentation. “Boneless pork” is the primary ingredient in the McRib sandwich patty – a “boneless pork” sandwich meant to look like ribs in much the same way a Fisher Price hamburger looks like a hamburger.

Photo: jluster Drink in the plastic pallor of the “meat”.

This substance sounds edible, but remember that cartilage is not bone, nor are anuses, lips, intestines or eyeballs. In this case “boneless pork” could be just about anything from the pig with no bone. Food facts shows the inside of one of these babies and the texture of the gray “meat” close up showing its particle board texture beneath a blistery surface of “skin”. At 490 calories, I have seen dogs turn their nose up at a piece of McRib.

McDonalds takes it off the menu and then puts it back on promoting its availability much in the same way the Rolling Stones promote their geriatric selves – “It’s back.” I guess we’ve all forgotten the hauntingly similar catchphrase from Poltergeist II.

Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito

Photo generously provided by: GrubGrade.com

Much like a “Bowl” from KFC, this half-pound item from Taco Bell does not require any silverware. Simply slurp down deep fried potatoes with the Bell’s signature seasoned colonic spasm initiator (ground beef), nacho “cheese”, and reduced fat sour cream. It’s important when inhaling half a pound (510 calories or 680, depending on your source) of non-nutrients that the sour cream be reduced fat.

I’m not sure that I need to say any more. I think this photo from Grub Grade speaks volumes.

Pulled Pork Slider

You can thank White Castle for this absolutely appalling name for a sandwich. Apparently the launch of this product was unfortunately timed, coinciding with a major outbreak of the swine flu and I am unable to find any evidence of its current availability. This probably foreshadows a re-release in the style of McRib.

The slogan for this aptly named “sandwich”?
Sweet. Saucy. Oh so naughty.
Um. I wasn’t planning on having intercourse with it.

Pulled. Pork. Slider. Masturbation. Lubrication. Greasy things “sliding” – in or out – we don’t know – both, I guess. Like every other fast food chain, White Castle counts on our sexual desires being sublimated by engineered food that we can stuff our faces with without having any person to person exchange beyond the question, “Would you like fries with that?” and the possibility that flesh will touch flesh as change is passed through a window. Ever available, it’s hot and ready for you. In one hole and out the other.

Witness the wormlike texture of the pork. It kind of makes you wonder what it was pulled from, doesn’t it? If this is the approved propaganda, we can only imagine the heinousness that the real sandwich would be. Worse than anything a grim, hairnet wearing school lunch lady could unceremoniously ladle onto your tray for sloppy joe day with a wet plop, imagine yourself gleefully and drunkenly devouring these in your car by the dozen and keep your fingers crossed that their return is nigh.

Biscuit Holes

How do you make one of mankind’s greasiest and least healthy foods less healthy than it already is? Form it into balls and deep-fry it, coat it with sugar and serve it with frosting. What evil empire could devise such a horrible and unhealthy food? Hardee’s. Just when you thought that biscuits and sausage gravy were the pinnacle of non-nutritive breakfast foods, Hardee’s launches an ad campaign to grab your attention.

How many times can you hear “a hole” and not look at the TV?

While you may actually be eating “a holes” when you’re dining on a McRib, Hardee’s wants you thinking of “a holes” while you dip your balls into white cream that you bought in a six-pack. In this way, the homoeroticism of eating cream covered “a holes” shaped like balls can be brought back to the heartland in a non-threatening way. How many orders do you think Larry Craig has swallowed? Way to go, Hardee’s.

Food

 

About The Author

Kate Sedgwick

Editor-at-large, Kate Sedgwick, works from Buenos Aires where she organizes her live storytelling project, Second Story Buenos Aires. Read more about her than you might want to know at her blog YesThereIsSuchAThingAsAStupidQuestion.com, and follow her infrequent tweets @KateSedgwick.

  • http://waywardlife.posterous.com/ Tom Gates

    Taco Bell amazes me at what they can pull of with the same ingredients, re-packaged in creative/disgusting new ways. But my motto being “if it has cheese it’s good”, I’ll still try it. Which is why I’ll never have a McRib….

  • http://matadortravel.com/travel-community/candicew86 Candice

    I just found out that my all-time favorite take-out restaurant was shut down due to about 40 different acts of breaking the health code. After reading this article, I’ve officially given up fast food for life.

  • http://www.vividblack.net Mary Yates

    Oh you can still get the Pulled Pork Slider – they sell them at my neighborhood White Castle and have a HUGE sign that advertises the questionably succulent sandwich. Not quite as disgusting as the KFW “bowls” which make my stomach turn just thinking about the globs of fake mashed potato and chemical injected chicken slathered in gravy and cheese.

  • http://miller-david.com david miller

    McRibbage

  • http://musictravelwrite.wordpress.com Michelle

    I stopped eating fast food years ago. This was a great reminder as to why I did it. It all looks disgusting.

    Ironically, I’m reading this with the Travel Channel on. Samantha Brown is buying brie in Paris. Sigh…

  • http://matadortrips.com/ Hal Amen

    Is it bad that the Taco Bell burrito looks good to me?

  • http://londoniscool.com William Wallace

    Even the thought of eating the garbage mentioned above is making me feel sick. Dog food I imagine would be more healthy…..

  • http://milesofabbie.com Abbie

    I’m not necessarily saying this shouldn’t have ever been, but have you guys heard of Wienerschnitzel’s chili cheese fries BURRITO?

  • joshua johnson

    HEEEEEY!
    Anybody that got a problem with KFC famous Bowls gotta problem with Josh Johnson! Who wants some!
    Geez, I mean where else is a guy on the run gonna get a goop stack of friend chix, synthetic mashers, gravy, cheese, corn…come on, we got every food group plus one or two that don’t exist.

    KFCFB’s are my fast food guilty finger-gagging secret pleasure.
    I owe the man I am today to this marvel of food-like technology!

    Seriously, though. I love them.

  • Sarah

    I’m not going to pretend I don’t love me some KFC Mashed Potato Bowl!!!

    I’m disgusting!

    • http://matadortravel.com/travel-community/candicew86 Candice

      Man, I’m SO happy someone else admitted it before i did.

  • http://nancythegnomette.com Nancy

    Oh my God. Those 5 are amazingly disgusting. lol. I read somewhere that national food restaurants/producers specifically create dishes that require as little chewing as possible and after 2-3 bites the food melts in the mouth. These are great examples of such.

    • http://yesthereissuchathingasastupidquestion.wordpress.com/ Kate Sedgwick

      Ughghg.

  • http://onceatraveler.com Turner

    LOVE your rant under the Pulled Pork Slider. Out of curiosity, did you have to try all these fine dishes again to research the article?

    I’ve been off fast food for good since seeing the guy throw up in Supersize Me. But regarding your statement – “only a society hell-bent on the instant satisfaction of its basest needs at rock bottom prices could possibly generate the cuisine that follows” – I have to say read Fast Food Nation. Consumers practically did this to themselves. Not that I’m excusing McD’s… the whole thing is just a scary concept.

    • http://yesthereissuchathingasastupidquestion.wordpress.com/ Kate Sedgwick

      Thanks. As far as I know, there is no way to try them in my neck of the woods, but I am familiar enough with most of the places, their ingredients and dastardly ways that I felt I was qualified to pontificate.

      I still need to see Supersize me, but did see Food Incorporated in BAFICI (Film Festival) and was disgusted and impressed.

  • bob the mob

    Yeah, pulled pork is what bbq’d pork is called sometimes. It refers to the method of preperationoh screw it, you actually think fast food warrants hyperbolic statements. Love the douche-y granola types posting here too. “One time I walked near a McDonald$ and got herpes from the scent of the grease!!1″

  • http://www.tourisme-montreal.org/Blogs/Nightlife Brendan Murphy

    I have always been amazed by that bowl of insanity from KFC. Never amazed enough to try it however…

    In Montreal, our primary nasty/wonderful fastfood is poutine (fries, gravy, cheese). One local spot makes a Pulled Pork Poutine that you should try. You will then have to take a nap.

  • mason in mississippi

    haha, the KFC bowl is too easy to make jokes about. i think it’s one case where the individual pieces are greater than the sum of the parts.

    however, taco bell is my guilty pleasure. the cheesy double beef burritto used to be my baby. now, the 89 cent chicken burritto is a steal.

  • http://www.rickhyatt.freeservers.com Andy Nonimuous

    And old German saying: “Waste nothing but the squeal…”
    Try being homeless & hungry some time, lucky one…

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  • Bennett

    you’re crazy! all of these are delicious!

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  • http://www.aswetravel.com/ Sofia – As We Travel

    Haha crazy! I’d like to add the Francesinha, a Portuguese “sandwich” with all types of meat, drenched in greasy cheese and baked with beer sauce….! Oh, and always served with french fries on the side.

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