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Original Photo (used also as feature photo): allygirl520 , Remix by Kate Sedgwick and licensed CC, so spread the love, but give credit where credit is due.
IT OCCURED TO ME in my study late one night that there exists a real need to quantify douchey-ness in standard terms; the douche who eats the last muffin at work must be distinguished from the douche who runs over your dog with his Trans-Am.
Photo Remix: Kate Sedgwick
After generous proportions of scotch and much pipe smoking contemplation, I feverishly went about creating a mathematical model which I have tentatively named the Cook based Coefficient of Douche (CCD).
Quite simply it is a relative comparison of douchey-ness to the greatest douche known to man, one Dane Cook.
In formulaic terms it is (measured douche)/(Dane Cook) = CCD.
It should be noted that since no one is more douchey that Cook, the CCD will always be less than or equal to one.
In this manner douches can clearly be ranked in order of magnitude so that light hearted arguments in bars about whose boss is the stupidest asshole can quickly be settled.
I am pleased to submit my work to MatadorNights.com for an open debate of its merits.
Additionally I have already contacted the National Institute of Standards and Technology with the hopes of the CCD one day becoming an official SI measurement.
Jake Hanssen
Jake Hanssen is a university student majoring in philosophy. His hobbies include fine cigars, women, and scotch.
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I AM ALL FOR THIS!
total doucheage
Oh my god. I’m forwarding this to all my male friends. I think Tucker Maxx should be a part of the equation.
For me a questions remains. How do we state the Douchiness? Do we say, “He’s a point seven douche”? Or is it only measured in quarters? Ex: “He’s half a douche.”
Who’s Dane Cook?
If this question is in earnest, Carlo, I have two things to say to you. God has shown you mercy and wikipedia is there for a reason.
Haha…fair enough. And it is in earnest. We are sheltered down here.
I don’t like Dane Cook either and his voice hurts my ears, but all this rabid Dane Cook hatery that is so fashionable stinks of hipsterdom and seems just as douchey as the man himself. Get over yourselves. Millions of good people like him for some reason. David Cross is a dick but I don’t get on a soap box about it. Quit being so edgy and condescending. Lots of people like white bread too. There’s no reason to spit on them.
Wow! Lots of people like Whitesnake, too. We’re not allowed to make fun of them, either? Isn’t it funny when someone so condescendingly tells everyone not to be so condescending? It always makes me laugh. While many “good” people have bad taste, having such bad taste is a sign of stupidity. And in a way, I guess I can see your point. Stupid people don’t have any choice in the matter, though I think superior crybabies who want to piss on everyone’s good time do.
Well, asking people not to be a-holes is so inherently superior to BEING an a-hole it could be very easily mistaken for condescending, when it’s really just good manners, so I won’t make an issue of what I believe is your confusion. It’s not really that hard to be nice and not sh*t on people. You just mind your own business and share what you do like with people that may not be aware of it yet.
You guys are confusing me. And I still don’t know who Dane Cook is.
Dane Cook may be a douche, but it is an act, so you need to define doucheness in a new set of terms. For example all men are douches to some extent, the question is what the difference is between a douche and a DOUCHE?
I wonder if Dane Cook is the equivalent to Australia’s Kyle Sandilands (a radio personality). When he asked a 14-yr old girl hooked up to a lie detector test if she was a virgin, she admitted she’d been raped when she was 12. His reaction? “”Right … is that the only experience you’ve had?”
He also joked that this overweight comedian could lose more weight if she went to a concentration camp.
Class act.