Lawn seats still available! The has-been tours of the summer

Def Leppard’s Joe Eliot. As important as Robert Plant? We think not. Photo: shawna_mail

Sometimes, old rock bands are able to stay vital and relevant. Take the Rolling Stones – yes, they are a bit haggard looking, but the old bastards can still put on a great show. Or Sonic Youth, who’ve just released a new album and have remained influential for almost 30 years now, shunning convention all along the way. The following bands, not so much.

Aerosmith

This band has cancelled seven dates on their summer tour because Steven Tyler pulled a leg muscle. They’re now moving forward, but without bassist Tom Hamilton, who is recovering from “non-invasive” surgery. The good news is that guitarist Brad Whitford is back after emergency surgery, following an accident where he somehow bumped his head on his Ferrari. Seriously?

The phrase “the band is falling apart” is usually a figure of speech, but Aerosmith is actually physically disintegrating.

Aerosmith erodes. Photo: jaywestphotography

Def Leppard

Generally speaking, you might let nostalgia get the better of you on this one and say, “Oh well, let these 80’s metal dudes have their fun.” I would have agreed with you, until I read this quote from Def Leppard vocalist Joe Eliot in a 2006 Rolling Stone article:

“If we’re hair metal, so are Led Zeppelin. Warrant and Ratt were hair metal. We’re not. We were always better than that.”

Sugar Ray

After spending four years hosting gossip show Extra, lead singer Mark McGrath has apparently tired of working on douchey TV shows. His solution? A return to making douchey music. Witness Sugar Ray’s new album, Music for Cougars. I wish I was kidding.

The Dink From Sugar Ray. Photo: squirrelnut

Ozzy Osbourne

This one hurts. Ozzy was at one time one of the most badass rockers on the planet. He was the lead singer for Black Sabbath. War Pigs? C’mon man, it doesn’t get more badass than that song.

Somehow, all of this former glory makes his transformation into a feeble old man even more painful to watch. Seeing him shuffle around his mansion in slippers, appearing lost and trailed by a small army of yapping canines has completely vaporized the wild-eyed rocker image that took him decades to cultivate.

There are times when I see him onstage now, and I see the same expression on his face that I saw when volunteering at the local old folks home.

New Kids on the Block

Just when we’d rid ourselves of these smarmy monkeys, along came their more popular and insidious spawn, the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync. Somehow, we endured. Timberlake and Co. grew up, and the days of boy bands were behind us. Or so we thought. You can catch the now ironically-named “New Kids” at your local pavilion or amphitheater this summer.

Old Adults On The Block. Photo: nkotbofficial

Creed

Scott Stapp and his and the rest of the band will be back on tour starting this August, with a new album to follow. Cue insufferable rock-god poses.

Stapp is sporting a newly shaven head and will no doubt refer to this as a physical metaphor for putting the past behind him during interviews, if he hasn’t already. As long as he doesn’t get drunk, insult another band and get his ass kicked in a hotel lobby, Creed will be fine.

The thought of Scott Stapp inspiring such anger is almost funny though – it’s like getting mad at a bowl of oatmeal.

Scott Stapp. A Turn On? Photo: dinkgrave

Motley Crue

Last summer answered the dreams of garbage collectors and landscapers everywhere – Cruefest was born, offering up a summer staged by Motley Crue, Buckcherry, Papa Roach, Sixx:AM and Trapt. This year brings us Crue Fest 2: The White Trash Circus (yes, this is the real name), with Godsmack, Theory of a Deadman, Drowning Pool, and Charm City Devils.

Community Connection:

Music is alive and well at Matador. Be sure to check out our tips for this summer’s BEST shows, as well as our preview of music festivals in the UK. For more about Def Leppard, check out this post by Nights co-editor Tom Gates.