1. Why would you want to visit a bunch of islands called “the islands of eternal spring”? Nah, you prefer to roast in sweltering temperatures or freeze your butt off.
2. Seven islands, four National Parks and the highest peak in Spain – that’s way too many mountains, to be honest.
3. Lava fields, craters, underground caves, rock formations, cliffs… All part of your daily commute.
4. Having miles and miles of sandy beach to yourself is a bit awkward – where’s the neighbour’s flying umbrella that stabs your sunburnt back?
5.You’ve been to Biosphere Reserves where native trees have survived centuries of strong winds hundreds of times.
6. Apparently, visibility conditions are so amazing here that one of the islands boasts the largest astronomical observatory in the Northern Hemisphere. Why look at the stars, though? You’ll end up with a stiff neck.
7. Why would you taste local wine right by the volcano where the vines grow? A Frappuccino from Starbucks would do.
8. You have no interest whatsoever in getting lost in the streets of Vegueta, the colonial neighbourhood where Chistopher Columbus would stop between adventures (the man was no fool…).
9. Archaeological sites and cave paintings that speak of the lives of ancient Canarians in pre-colonial times – really, what’s this obsession with the past? Move on, you people!
10. Sitting on a beach under a joyous sun and witnessing some unbelievable pirouettes during the Windsurf World Cup in Pozo Izquierdo? That’s not something you fancy – all that wind, and all that sand on your towel… Terrible for your hair.Photo: El Coleccionista de Instantes
11. Why would you even want to take part in one of Europe’s biggest Carnivals? Live music, parades, a Drag Queen Gala, fancy dress competitions, bonfires, fireworks, people dancing and singing in the street until the wee hours… Torture!
12. Watching a music concert in an auditorium like this leaves you indifferent.
13. You would much rather float belly up in your gym pool than swim in a natural pool.
14. You have no interest in discovering the silbo gomero, the world’s only whistled language, practised by more than 20,000 people and considered Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity by UNESCO (why don’t they just use Whatsapp?).
15. A cliff of ancient volcanic rock that resembles a pipe organ? Whatever. Nature is overrated.
16. International Music Festival, International Jazz Festival, International Cinema Festival, International Contemporary Dance Festival – way too many options, let’s stay home!
17. Outdoor sports and activities all year round sounds absolutely normal. I said all year round.
18. Who needs a relaxing treatment with local, natural aloe vera?
19. Tiny bananas which actually taste of banana and are grown round the corner don’t appeal to you. You prefer those massive and perfectly formed ones at the chain supermarket, you know what I’m talking about? The ones that have traveled thousands of miles and resemble inflatable pool toys.
20. Laid-back, ridiculously friendly people who enjoy life and being outside, who love their land and will talk to anyone who will listen – it sounds a bit suspicious… What do they want from me?
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