1. Who would want their children to know that their parents would love and respect them regardless of who they love or their gender?

2. Kids HATE parades, dancing, and colorful balloons.

3. Pride is for adults, I mean… how many LGBT kids can there possibly be?

4. Young people should not be subjected to anything with affectionate undertones until they are married. How can we instill messages of self-loathing and guilt if we normalize sexual desires?

5. We should only operate well within our comfort zones. Personal growth is not a necessary part of growing up.

6. The world is large and diverse, kids shouldn’t be forced to learn from those who are different than us until the day after they turn 18.

7. Why would I want my child to see people of diverse faiths supporting LGBT people?

8. Witnessing protesters at a pride parade is not an effective way to start a dialogue about civics, the first amendment, or privilege.

9. It’s not important to show displays of unconditional love and commitment.

10. I understand the need for vigils but why teach hate at an early age? We should be protecting them from the world’s ugliness, not showcasing violence. They’re too young to understand that good triumphs over evil when communities stick together. We’ll save that conversation for when they’re adults.

Editor’s Note: In case it wasn’t clear, this article is satire. Please take your kids to Pride.