Photo: Steve Hardy
Show off to your grandmother and flaunt it, sucker. You’re dating a total babe from the land brimming of chiseled tummies and sexy full-figured women with enough spunk to drive any man in his right mind wild. California girls are kind of a big deal, and now that you’re under the faulty belief that you’ve got a total babe on lockdown, you better do her right.
1. Thou shalt provide dem greens.
And a variety of them at that. Kale, alfalfa sprouts, chronic, romaine and moolah. You oughta have and provide ‘em all or you’re not preparing yourself for the long haul.
2. Thou shalt take it easy.
Pop a Xanax or four, bro. We are going to have friends that just so happen to have a penis resting in their pants. We aren’t caged or locked by by your rules; play it cool.
3. Thou shalt keep an air of mystery.
Don’t spill all of the beans on the first or third Tinder. Keep it slow and steady, just the way we like it in bed as well.
4. Thou shalt let go of the outcome.
Just because you scored a walk in the park (literally) doesn’t mean we’re going Facebook official after you drop us off at home. Show up and have a damn good time. If it works out, great, if not, Next…
5. Thou shalt step up their fashion game.
Every fashion designer that matters has at least a piece of their clothing available throughout Cali. Don’t even dare show up to dinner in an Abercrombie Polo and khaki shorts. Step up your fashion game or gain your reign.
6. Thou shalt jump off the pity train.
Let go of those self-defeating thoughts, punk. Your lack of confidence is so 1997. Are tough times going to build or tear down your character? We want to hear you scream and shout about what matters to you most.
7. Thou shalt love thyself.
Life can be a real rotten bitch… If you choose for it be. Don’t shrink yourself into a woeful of pity and self-doubt. Lose your shit, crack open and love your damn self.
8. Thou shalt take us to In-N-Out.
On a weekly basis, okay. What else do you think we want after hormonal tidal waves and traffic for days? Your penis? Don’t think so. Stuff me up with the good, greasy stuff.
9. Thou shalt provide numerous orgasms.
Sex is art. We love it, and so do you. Embrace your sexual nature beyond the four bedroom walls. Turn us on before going all in; make us crave your touch, you beach-bodied lush.
10. Thou shalt treat us like queens.
Sit in front of the mirror and look deeply into the reflection of your own eyes. Murmur to yourself that you are dating a living, fucking goddess and better bow down at her feet. Tough pill to swallow? We’ll leave you to ponder while we ponder on our variety of options.