Thou shalt not elect a Republican mayor.
Our beloved city hasn’t had a right-wing mayor since the early sixties, and with the hordes of progressive millennials streaming in and cramming the city’s apartment buildings, it sure doesn’t look like that streak will end anytime soon.
Thou shalt celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, and first dates in The Highlands.
LoHi is acceptable too. This rule also applies for happy hours, because there is a great new place that just opened up that has grass on the walls and like, a forest in the backyard or something.
Thou shalt act as an appointed representative of the state of Colorado at all times when dealing with tourists.
The supreme commander has bestowed upon Denverites the inalienable right to claim that they know how everything works in the square state, even as far away as Durango or Grand Junction. Because of this, any positive attribute of the state is a direct result of Denver’s lobbying for it. Legal weed, Winter Park ski area, and the increasingly blue tint on the purple overtone that defines our state politically are proof of this.
That said, we are open to suggestions on how to fix the traffic on I-70 because Vail Resorts won’t answer our emails asking them to pay for a train and us sure as hell aren’t going to pay for it.
Thou shalt head into the mountains, via US 285 or I-70, at least three weekends per month.
Whether it’s to ski, camp, bike, or climb- preferably more than one. If you can afford to rent a room in a Summit County cabin for the winter, thus avoiding the Sunday backlog heading home and allowing for an additional evening pretending to be a regular at Backcountry Brewery, that’s absolute perfection. Blame the traffic on everyone else, because it isn’t your fault.
Thou shalt regard Blucifer as awesome and as one of the city’s defining characteristics.
Even if it is a murdering donkey from hell, it is the finest piece of public art this side of the Statue of Liberty. When your relatives are like ‘What the hell is that?’ as you pull into DIA to drop them off, simply explain that its purpose is to intimidate opposing NFL teams and guarantee our sixth straight Division championship.
Thou shalt call the home of the Broncos Mile High, no matter what corporate sponsor currently claims naming rights.
It’s not going to be Sports Authority Field anymore, and who knows what mega business is going to step up next, but one thing holds true- if the words “at Mile High” are ever dropped from the name, we will riot in the streets.
Thou shalt attend as many Rockies games as possible and buy a minimum of two drinks on the rooftop, no matter how bad the team is.
There is simply no need to care about quality baseball. Care instead about beautiful sunsets, hot dogs, and locally brewed beer. If further instructions are needed, Reed Saunders will inform you over the PA.
Furthermore, always ignore the person writing something down in the program after every pitch. Is he drawing a rectangle over and over? It just doesn’t make any sense, so better to act like he doesn’t exist.
Thou shalt shop at REI on a regular basis.
Your bragging rights are determined by your rewards points. Even if the closest you ever get to camping is the Best Western in Fort Collins, you need that Patagonia pack. Also, you need that unbreakable French press in case your friend who skis comes over and you have to hide the Keurig real quick to avoid being made fun of.
Thou shalt remain as loyal to your dispensary as you are to your children.
Once you find a spot that always has your favorite strain, it’s more than worth driving out of your way to go there. A quick photo of said strain sent to all of your friends or posted on Instagram will make you look like a true connoisseur.
And the golden rule of the Mile High City…
Thou shalt learn the lingo of the land, and proceed to use it in everyday speech.
Fourteener. Transplants. Pop. RiNo. LoDo. The Fax. Kings. Wads.
If thou does not learn the meaning of these words, thou might as well wear an Oakland Raiders jersey or have Texas license plates because everyone will know that you have no idea what is going on. Wouldn’t hurt to obtain a basic knowledge of outdoor references either, because the natives will tell you that the God damn transplants are taking over, and they don’t even know what a crag is.
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