10 Reasons Never To Date a Bartender in NYC

by Henry Miller Jul 27, 2015

New York bartenders are a special breed: they’re consistently ultra-attractive, they know an armada of great jokes, are an incredibly hardworking bunch, and they really know how to wear that fancy vest. There’s just something about them, some spark that keeps folks coming back to them for drinks night-after-night.

But here are ten *very* good reasons you should never date a bartender in NYC:

1. Every time you go out, you will constantly be reminded that you don’t know what to order or how to do it properly.

It’s not their fault, they’re the gods and goddesses of the bar, after all… and they just want to see the hard work of the on-call mixologist appreciated appropriately. God help you if you ever try to order a mojito to pair with the two cheapest appetizers on the menu.

2. Every night you have off is a night they spend working.

On the one hand, this is actually awesome because you can always count on them to be around during the weekday. On the other hand, don’t count on ever being able to “go out” with them on the weekends. You know how you look forward to brunch with your friends in Williamsburg all week? They don’t. In fact, working brunch (with all of its overpriced eggs and underpriced mimosas), is the worst thing that happens to a bartender every week. And yet you’ll celebrate it with your coworkers as if you are the only ones with a hangover on a Saturday.

3. Part of their job is to flirt with everyone. EVERYONE.

Whether it’s a group of sexy Italian tourists who insist on exactly three coffee beans in their Sambuca, or a group of gluten-free octogenarians who insist that the music is too loud, any good New York bartender knows that sometimes the best way to get paid is with some casual flirtation — and it wouldn’t work if they weren’t great at it. Jealous types need not apply.

4. When you do get a night off together, they will judge your 18% tip and say, “it’s an industry thing” before dropping enough cash to make it 25%.

Sure you could see it as simply “bartenders looking out for one another,” but really, this is New York City. How do you expect your bartenders to survive on the government-permitted tipped minimum wage of $5 an hour?

5. They can tell you all about wines and cocktails and the difference between craft and microbrew, but they can’t tell you the last time they were out of bed before noon.

When they talk about the “City That Never Sleeps,” they are usually referring to its bartenders. Those night-owls who sometimes serve drinks until well after 4AM and are almost always down to stay up just a little longer so they can get breakfast at the nearest Greek diner. After all, pancakes at 6AM soothes the soul better than an extra two hours of sleep any day.

 6. They always have cash on them, but rarely have good credit.

Having someone who can always pay for your coffee when you didn’t hit the credit minimum is definitely a perk, but it is hard to convince a New York bartender (who might walk home with $500 in cash every Saturday night), that a credit card is a necessary investment. To bartenders, all income is disposable… so enjoy it today and start planning for the future on your own time.

7. Visiting them at work comes with a guarantee of free drinks and the chance to stare at their actor/model coworkers — but also the guarantee that you will wonder which ones your boyfriend/girlfriend have hooked up with in the manager’s office.

You will come to the sad conclusion that it is probably all of them, even the manager. I mean, come on: there’s just no way that anyone who’s *that* attractive, and surrounded by coworkers who are all equally attractive, have not hooked up already. And for a fleeting moment you’ll even entertain the notion that maybe, just maybe, you’re that attractive too and never realized it (but then you’ll catch the way the server in red just winked at your significant other and go immediately back to picturing the entire staff having a massive you-less orgy after closing).

8. They will never make you the drinks you want, only the drinks they came up with twenty minutes ago.

Cocktails are a big deal to New York bartenders, and they can get frustrated when the only thing customers want off of their extensive hand-crafted menu (which even includes rye drinks featuring Pernod and Benedictine), is a goddamn strawberry Cosmo. You will get to be their personal taster, which sounds awesome until you realize that everything you’re putting in your mouth contains absinthe and/or a shot of Fernet Branca.

9. They have an almost magic ability to look super hot at 4AM every night, but become nightmarish trolls at 4PM.

New York bartenders are truly creatures of the night, whose hairstyles and outfits and fit bodies look fantastic in their element. However, it is impossible for the human body to withstand as many hangovers as they endure every week without looking like Rocky *after* he fought Mr. T, each and every afternoon.

10. They will make more in a night than you do in a week, but will blow it all on drinks on their day off (at the very same bar that employs them).

What’s cooler than showing up to your own personal version of Cheers: where they know your name, your order, and they don’t charge you for half your drinks? Tipping every single one of the staff 500%, that’s what.

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