1. Don’t even bother making summer plans.
Because she’s got it covered. Every town has its own festival to attend, every month has an unmissable event and every sunny day calls for ciders in a beer garden or a BBQ on the beach. Your Cornish girl knows just how to while away the summer days whilst having the most fun possible. She’ll take you to the Masked Ball to dance until dawn on the cliffs of Porthleven, she’ll know someone who can get you both on the guest list for Leopallooza and she will already know the best spot to wild camp on Gwithian Towans. You’ll soon forget what a weekend at home feels like.
2. You’ll never have to wait for her to get ready to go out.
Going from beach to bar is how she grew up and sun-bleached, sea salty hair is how she rocks her style. Having fun with her friends at a gig at The Watering Hole is far more important than choosing what shoes to wear – after all, you don’t need shoes when you’re dancing on the sand.
3. You’re going to have to learn to love cider.
Rattler. Cornish Orchard. Polgoon. Haywood Farm. Scrumpy. Press Gang. Riverside. Haye Farm. Shane’s Cider. Lyonesse. Apple Slayer. Any will do, as long as it’s Cornish. Because that’s what her and her friends will be drinking.
4. Cornish ale, too, though…
Proper Job. Cornish Knocker. Betty Stogs. Bolster’s Blood. Scilly Stout. Tribute. Heligan Honey. Doom Bar. Roughtor. And of course, Spingo. Because that’s what her dad will be drinking.
Word of warning, go easy on the Spingo.
5. Don’t expect her to order a half.
Or even a glass of wine. Cornish maids drink pints, like Betty Stogs herself.
6. She will keep up with the drinking pace.
And if you’re from out of county, she’ll likely drink you under the table, you pussy. Don’t take it to heart – she’s been drinking with the lads since she was 15 and has been known on more than one occasion to complete the Rattler challenge and still be able to stand.
7. A stroll through town will take at least three hours.
Because she’ll know everyone, every five metres, all the way. Her grandma’s friend or the man who sells cockles in the shack by the Scillonian, Banjo Man or the local reporter from the West Briton. Maybe it’s the resident DJ from the Zero Lounge or just an old school friend. Whoever they are, however your Cornish bird knows them, there’s always a need to stop and say, “alright?”
8. Expect to never be able to pronounce the names of anywhere.
And if you pronounce Fowey “Fo-wee”, the joke is on you.
9. Lunch is a pasty.
And that’s fine with her. Pick up a little slice of pastry heaven from Philp’s in Hayle or the Cornish Oven (controversial?) from Illogan, head to Portreath Beach car park and watch the waves roll in over the sand. She’ll think it’s bleddy ‘ansome.
10. Be prepared to lose your girl to the sea.
If your girl is a gig rower, you’ll lose her to race days, training sessions and Scilly weekend. If she’s a surfer, you better pray for no swell on Fistral that weekend you’re meant to be going up north to see your family. Maybe she’s a kayaker, a snorkeler, scuba diver or sailor. But one thing is for sure, those born and raised in Cornwall are governed by the sea, and nothing shall stop them!
11. Kernow King IS hilarious.
And you will laugh. Watch Cornish Grand Theft Auto and tell your maid it ain’t funny and there’ll be hell to pay.