1. Thou shalt respect the “fxmmes.”
If you don’t know about the “bham fxmmes,” I won’t spoil the mystery. By the end of date one, she’s probably already created a post about you in this secret Facebook group. The fxmmes know your name, where you work, your favorite pastime, credit score, blood type, and whether you’re a cat person or a dog person. If you’ve ever said something creepy to a female in Birmingham, your girl will find out, and well, that’s the end of you. Sorry.
2. Thou shalt use thy manners.
Southern boys are all about their manners, so make sure you can keep up with the competition. Sure, your girl is independent, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t open the car door for her. Let her order first, because she’s probably hungrier than you. Also, you better be tipping at least 20%, because the server is probably one of her friends.
3. Thou shalt give up control on date night.
She’s excited to show you her Birmingham, so let her. She’ll take you to The Vulcan to gawk at the city lights. Go with her to the Birmingham Museum of Art or you two can go canoeing at Oak Mountain. Let her show you the Color Tunnel and be prepared for her to Instagram the heck out of it — because #instagrambham, duh.
4. Thou shalt not tell her that she is taking too long to get ready.
And don’t tell her that she’s ‘pretty enough already.’ She’s not getting ready for you, she’s getting ready for her. She’s also bound to run into someone she knows because she’s friends with the whole city.
5. Thou shalt participate in Thirsty Thursday.
The Birmingham Barons recently moved back to the city from the suburbs, and Birminghamians couldn’t be happier. On Thursday nights, your girl and her crew are at Regions Field having a grand old time taking advantage of the $2 drink specials at Thirsty Thursday. If you’re still able to walk straight by the end of the game, expect to make a stop at Good People Brewery before heading home.
6. Thou shalt find out her father’s favorite sports team.
I’m telling you this for your own safety. If her dad bleeds crimson and finds out she’s dating a Tennessee fan, you might as well cut your losses and go.
7. Thou shalt take her to brunch.
We Birmingham girls look forward to brunch all week. Really, we’re just excited to drink while still being drunk from the night before, so we wake up thinking about the DIY Bloody Mary bar at Rowe’s. But if you prefer coffee to vodka in the morning, take her to Trattoria for a Nutella latte. And if that wait’s too long, she’ll be fine with Silvertron.
8. Thou shalt try to keep up.
Birming-babes are always on the go, so we love a guy who can keep up with us. She’s probably RSVP’d you both to three events on Saturday night alone, and you’re going to all of them. And don’t start dreaming of rest on Sunday, because after yoga, she’s taking you to brunch, and then to Ruffner Mountain so you two can hike with Fido.
9. Thou shalt not forget to compliment.
10. Thou shalt order her sweet tea.
Is there any other kind of tea?
11. Thou shalt meet the parents.
Family is important to her. And if you can’t get along with the family, it’s probably not going to work out. That being said, the family is probably crazy, so buckle up.
12. Thou shalt make.
She has probably already started twelve “small businesses,” including, but not limited to: selling artwork, making jewelry, making bath bombs, and printing t-shirts. We don’t know what it is, but we just want to make something. Don’t be alarmed when she throws herself into yet another project. In fact, help her out.
13. Thou shalt accept the strays.
She’s going to feed those stray cats in her neighborhood every morning, and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.