1. Speed cameras will never deter you.
To you, speed cameras are a game of good cop /bad cop; you have a mental map where all speed cameras are on the highways, and when in suburban areas if someone flashes their lights you know to slow down because there is one hiding in the bushes up ahead.
2. You’re constantly warned of skateboarding rhinos.
You’re not exactly sure where these rhinos are but find it mildly amusing that Yarra Trams insists you look out for them.
3. You believe the crazier someone looks, the wiser they are.
The crazier you look in a Melbournian’s eyes — long beards, nipple piercings, tattoos, blue hair — the wiser and more intelligent you are perceived.
4. You’re naive to the world of sport outside AFL.
When outsiders mention football, you think they are talking about Aussie Rules so you ask them what team they “barrack” for.
5. You’re militant about how to correctly pronounce Melbourne.
You get this uncontrollable urge to correct foreigners who pronounce our city’s name incorrectly — “It’s not born as in a baby was born, it’s pronounced burn!”
6. You always try to buy foods and products made inside Australia…except beer.
7. You’re a social butterfly.
Your schedule is always booked a month ahead, usually with upcoming modern festivals such as the Victoria Night Market, Falls Festival, the Flemington carnival (just to name a few) and even the Melbourne Zombie Shuffle because there is no excuse too bizarre to have another drink.
8. You know where the best dumplings are…
…and you feed your child sushi and you always have cravings for bubble cup. You get your Spanish donuts from that interesting little van parked on the side of the road at the Victoria Market, and you head to Laverton Market for the best hot jam donuts.
No matter how full you are, you never pass up South Melbourne Dim-Sims, and Lygon Street is just around the corner if you’re craving Italian food. Chapel Street is for cocktails and Richmond is for alternative coffee and cafes. You know that little van in that creepy car park lit by one orange street light has the best garlic lamb kebabs. You love food and love that you can get whatever you need at 3am after a hard night on the dance floor.
9. You’re a show-off.
You love it when outsiders ask for directions; you’ll take any chance you get to show off how well you know your city and also to prove that people from Melbourne are so much friendlier than people from Sydney.
10. You believe graffiti is a sign of community.
You know where the trendiest areas are outside of Melbourne, the more street art, the trendier the area. If you end up in Frankston you are outside civilisation and should turn back immediately!
11. You’re paranoid.
You’re constantly paranoid about jaywalking, littering, putting your feet on the seats on public transport, urinating in public, and are always wondering if you have put enough money on your myki card all of which could land you a hefty fine.
12. Your humour knows no limits.
Not to be fooled by the kindhearted Melbournian personalities, you have a sick sense of humour which usually revolves around racism, sexism, and anything with and ism that is politically incorrect, and especially think our Government is a long running joke… all in good humour of course.
13. You get cranky when foreigners choose Sydney over Melbourne.
When you meet someone from another country who has visited Australia you always ask where in Australia they have been, hoping, wishing, praying they say Melbourne. But if they say Sydney you bitch about how terrible Sydney is compared to Melbourne and how they missed out because Melbournians would have shown them a damn good time.
14. You never miss breakfast.
The trendiest and most important meal of the day to a Melbournian is Breakfast. Nothing beats eggs, toast, bacon, and fried tomatoes tossed up in a salad, or on Turkish bread, with a large latte or two in a cosy little café, usually with strange and/or disturbing art on the walls to get the brain pumping.
15. You think this post is funny but totally closed minded.
A real Melbournian would concur everything this article states and describe it as closed minded and generalistic, after poking fun at themselves first — of course.