1. Your boner is your #1 pickup tool at the club.

2. Immediately after orgasm you get up and do a series of air punches.

3. You consider the fact that most women have ears a sign that they want to listen to you talk.

4. You’re scared of a girl’s period. But you spent your entire Sunday watching a Quentin Tarantino marathon.

5. The last girl you brought home had to watch you pee in your sock drawer and pass out on your comic collection. Too many Twisted Teas.

6. You take it upon yourself to remind women to “Smile!”

7. Your best travel story begins, “This one time, at Punta Cana, I blacked out.” And that’s it.

8. You don’t think the clitoris is all it’s cracked up to be.

9. You don’t believe a woman should be president.

10. You didn’t crop your camera or your toilet out of your Tinder profile selfie.

11. You have at least three pictures of your penis on your phone. Ready to go in case any female shows interest.

12. Your tattoos are either tribal, Celtic, or fraternity-related.

13. You cannot say the word “vagina.”

14. 80 percent of your workout routine consists of standing in front of a mirror and flexing your biceps. The other 20 percent consists of watching YouTube videos of weightlifting.

15. You think Daniel Tosh is hilarious.


16. When a girl doesn’t laugh at your joke you assume she doesn’t get it.

17. You have no idea what a “pay gap” is.

18. You ask girls if they are “DTF” and expect a response.

19. You drive some variation of a bright yellow vehicle.

20. You still wear Abercrombie & Fitch. Getting dressed every day feels like squeezing into a PVC pipe.

21. You’ll talk any girl’s ear off about your “intense drug past” (the two times you tried cocaine in college).

22. When you get drunk you start speaking in a Boston accent. Not because you’re from Boston. Because you consider Mark Wahlberg to be the man.

23. You see a girl you like at the bar. So you buy her a Jagerbomb.

24. You don’t have a job.

25. You don’t have a job because you still get a weekly allowance from your parents.

26. You believe the key to every woman’s legs is “interesting accessories.”

27. Your mother still does your laundry. As soon as you get a girlfriend, though, she’ll take over.

28. Your go-to story on a date involves winning a raffle at your bank.

29. The last time you read a book was when the seventh Harry Potter came out.

30. You use the pet name “muffin” for most interactions you have with females.

31. You own a “Cool story, babe, now go make me a sandwich” t-shirt.

32. You don’t tip 20 percent. But you’re still entitled to slide your arm around the server’s waist.

33. You often mistake a sympathy laugh for a real laugh. So you tell your joke again but louder.

34. You’re a member of this Facebook page.

35. You think feminism is a thing of the past.