Photo: Aurimas

1. You will get fat.

Croissants, rolls or bread with cheese and sausage, jam or Nutella for breakfast, bread as a side for lunch or in the form of dumplings, and bread with sausage or cheese for dinner will become the norm for you. Top that off with meat, potatoes and creamy sauces for lunch as well, cake or Danishes in the afternoon, and a (few) glasses of beer. Veggies? Uhm, sorry, the only things close to vegetables in a German diet are a side salad or Sauerkraut. If you’re tired of German cuisine, your options of foreign dishes are Döners, pizza, or pasta.

2. You will never be late anymore.

If you’re five minutes early, you’re almost late on German time – that’s how anal we are about it. And if you’re not letting us know that you’re five minutes late – you’re going to have a really hard time in this country! We have to live up to our reputation of being precise and punctual because these words stand next to “German” in the dictionary!

3. You’ll learn a new language besides German.

Consider yourself lucky if your girl speaks “Hochdeutsch” because if she has a dialect, she’d be harder to understand in English most likely and harder to understand in German as well. Her parents and grandparents will probably speak one of the 250 dialects that exist in Germany, of which some of them, like Bavarian or Saxon, definitely sound like a different language. So good luck learning German and another dialect that’s supposed to be German.

4. You won’t impress her.

German girls are very progressive and independent, get their own apartment, car, and whatever else they need. Still staying at your parents’ house as an adult is not very common, most of us move out as soon as we can. German girls don’t need a man to survive, so impressing her won’t be easy. They care more about your personality rather than material things. Machos will have a hard time!

5. You won’t have bad sex.

In Germany, not making eye contact while clinking glasses is considered to bring you seven years of bad sex. That’s why all of us are determined to look you into your eyes when we toast and thus don’t have bad sex. Ever.

6. She’ll drink you under the table.

Because beer and wine are legal to drink by the age of 16, and hard liquor at 18, Germans learn how to drink early and a lot. They consume the most beer after the Czechs and Chinese. So only date a German if you can keep up with her or if you don’t mind explaining to your friends that she can drink you under the table!

7. She’ll drive faster than you.

We may only be able to drive at 18 and in some cases at 17, but all Germans have to go through rigorous training in manual cars to receive their driver’s license. 30-40 hours of driving alongside a teacher and 12+ classroom lessons where we learn about tire pressure, displacement and what not. For a good reason: we’re the only country where you can drive as fast as you want on certain parts of our highways for which we also have to know to make space on the left lane whenever possible. We’ll always drive fast – you just can’t get it out of us!

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