You did it. You locked down a senorita who would rather have a middle eastern pita along with a straight shot of tequila over a basic bitch margarita.
1. Thou shalt stay loyal.
Don’t even dare think that we will hold the other party accountable for a potential lack of loyalty. You either treat us like royalty or we will noisily make morphing your life into a living hell a priority.
2. Thou shalt recognize that we are real as fuck.
Detroit ladies do not avoid conflict and constructive criticism by appearing compliant and congenial. Nothing is candy-coated and we will not erode our sense of self at the service of inflating another.
3. Thou shalt love authentic Mexican food.
If you really want to get down, take me to Xochimilco’s in MexicanTown. I want a macho burrito pronto and no, you don’t have to win the lotto for extra avocado.
4. Thou shalt treat our family as thy own.
Family is number one in our book. Give our mothers a big hug and kiss while you have the chance. Get your shit together and put the bullshit excuse of not having enough time to spend time with your family to rest.
5. Thou shalt never lie.
Dishonesty is a dealbreaker. Period.
6. Thou shalt know thy sports.
We’d take a front row seat or a suite at the Red Wing’s game over a lame bar any day. Get used to us sportin’ our favorite teams’ hats and dropping fantasy football stats.
7. Thou shalt take charge of thy own happiness.
Create an existential toolbox full of nuts, bolts, and resources that you are eternally equipped with and come in handy through any and every situation that you encounter. Turn up the heat in your own kitchen and stop your bitchin’.
8. Thou shalt do unto others.
Treat human beings the way you would like to be treated. If you are out actin’ a fool and thinking that it’s cool, honey, we won’t hesitate to blatantly let you know that you are an absolute tool.
9. Thou shalt love the 313.
We take pride in the city that inflicted courage, backbone, fortitude and mettle into our bones. Loving the 313 is a way of life. Fuck a school lecture; it is our pleasure to paint you a more reputable picture through sharing our observations and inner architecture.