You won’t be going to any more weddings where Springsteen’s cover of “Jersey Girl” isn’t played.
I mean, no one ever complains about Springsteen playing at a wedding. But it’s gonna play at every wedding.
You’re going to have to be super charming.
New Jerseyans appreciate charm and good conversation more than most — and since she’s going to have a freakin’ huge family and a trillion lifelong friends, you’re going to need to be on all the time. You need to be able to talk about literally every subject, you need to be able to take a joke and make a joke, you’re going to need to be able hold their attention, and you’re going to need to leave an impression that makes them say, “He’s okay,” when you walk away and not, “What an asshole.” Jersey does not tolerate bores.
You’re probably going to die young.
Either you’re going to break her heart and her billions of loyal friends and family members are going to quietly murder you, or you’re going to have a heart attack at age 40 thanks to a lifetime of pork roll, egg, and cheese breakfasts. It’ll be a happy 40 years, but only 40 years nonetheless.
You’re going to develop a defensiveness about New Jersey.
Yeah, when you met her, you were making fun of Chris Christie and Snooki like the rest of them, but she ended that real quick.
You’re going to be a benny for life.
Sure, it started with grabbing a casual beer with a beautiful, sassy girl in grad school. Next thing you know, you’re living in Asbury Park where you will always, always be a benny, no matter how long you stay.
You’re going to look like an asshole when it comes to sports.
She knows more about sports than you do. She’s more loyal to her teams than you are. Her teams are better than yours. Sports is no longer a way for you to look cool.
You’re going to be eternally unimpressive to her while behind the wheel of an automobile.
New Jersey is the densest state in the country and has way too many towns and cities. You’re going to be lost all the time, and when you take a wrong turn, you’re going to have to navigate MC Escher roads with jughandles and loopedy-loos packed with aggressive drivers. You’re also gonna get yelled at when you try to pump your own gas, and you’re going to have to orient your universe around the GSP. She can handle it like it’s nothing: you’re going to look like an incompetent ass.
If this thing sticks, you’re going to have to ask her dad for his blessing.
There something in the water here that makes Jersey dads absolutely terrifying. Maybe it’s the same thing that makes the bagels delicious.
You’re never gonna leave.
You’re going to fall in love with her, settle down here, spend the rest of your days on the beach listening to Springsteen. Rough life.
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