Photo: Luna Vandoorne/Shutterstock

How to Become an Atlantan in 25 Steps

Student Work
by Shannon Dell Jul 28, 2015

1. Make awkward eye contact with Andre 3000 while deciding between Asian peanut pesto or coconut curry at Chow Baby.

2. Question your life’s direction after a pair of 55-year-old tits crush your beer can at the Clermont Lounge. Deem your life’s direction totally on track.

3. Learn how to drive like an asshole when tossed in the bowl of spaghetti junction during rush hour. Remember that letting people over is a sign of weakness and turn signals are a government conspiracy.

4. Actively participate in the debauched sci-fi and fantasy orgy of Dragon Con.

5. Drink a bottle of wine at the Starlight Drive-In while applying OFF! like it’s holy water.

6. Never, under any circumstance, say “Hotlanta.” Immediately judge those who do.

7. Ride the MARTA. Ignore the fact that the conductor has probably been convicted of multiple DUIs.

8. Have a firm opinion on whether or not you would let Tyler Perry use your house in a scene for one of his movies.

9. Know what a “Grady Baby” is.

10. Be able to choke back carbonated vomit after tasting Beverly from World of Coke.

11. Pretend that you’ve never heard of Michael Vick.

12. Crave Chick-fil-A. Then cry inwardly because it’s Sunday.

13. Force your friend to ride in the car with you so you can cruise in the HOV Lane. Realize in defeat that it’s just as clogged as the rest of the highway.

14. Burn a bigger hole in your wallet from quarter fed Mortal Kombat than from liquor at Joystick.

15. Get the ever-living shit scared out of you by those human trash piles while urban exploring the abandoned Atlanta Prison Farm.

16. Die a little on the inside when someone tells you to meet them on the corner of Peachtree and Peachtree.

17. Watch the sky erupt at Lenox Square for 4th of July.

18. If you’re an OTPer, think you’re too cool for inside the perimeter. If you’re an ITPer, think you’re too cool for everything.

19. Always listen to your drunken cravings for hash browns, smothered, covered, and chunked from Waffle House at 4 AM.

20. Accept the fact that you’re never going to find free parking. And if you find any parking at all, religiously feed the meter to avoid the wrath of PARKAtlanta hiding in bushes by your car.

21. Buy out the allergy medicine aisle at CVS.

22. Know at least four people who were extras in the “Welcome to Atlanta” music video.

23. “Please move to the center of the vehicle and away from the doors.”

24. Forgive those from out of town who make it seem like Atlanta is off the map. Ask them if they’ve ever heard of Cartoon Network, CNN, the CDC, Coca-Cola, Tyler Perry, The Walking Dead, and Pinewood Studios in addition to influential rap and hip-hop artists including Outkast, Gucci Mane, and Ludacris. Remind them of where they all hail from.

25. And don’t forget — this is where the players play.

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