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How to Piss Off Someone From Dallas

by Kate Herman Jul 19, 2016

1. Refer to Fort Worth as our twin city or Dallas-Fort Worth as the Metroplex.

Fort Worth(less) is like your country cousin that shows up at family weddings in overalls and chugs four beers before the first dance is even over. Beyond the fact that Dallasites like to distance ourselves as much as possible from our cow-loving neighbors, we think ‘the Metroplex’ sounds just plain tacky and ridiculous — as though Superman might swoop in at any moment. If you must lump us together into a single conglomerate (I’m looking at you, Mr. Weatherman) DFW will suffice.

2. Say, “Oh I’m from Dallas too!”

When what you really mean is Plano. Or Irving, or Richardson, or Mesquite, or Addison… We don’t drive north of 635 for a reason. It’s not Dallas.

3. Ask if we all ride horses and live on ranches.

Contrary to the popular 80’s TV show Dallas, we do not all live on ranches nor ride horses to work (you might be thinking of Fort Worth). It’s probably to combat this stereotype that Dallas has grown to become infamous as a city of pretentious millionaires (and billionaires — we have 11 of them). Though plenty of us lived in The Village at one point or another.

4. Invite us to breakfast or lunch on the weekend.

Any meal eaten between 9am and 2pm on the weekend is neither breakfast nor lunch, but the golden, glorious feast of brunch. This is a holy time for Dallasites, when we can pick a patio (seriously, it better be a patio) and indulge in eating waffles and fried chicken in the same sitting. And woe to whomever suggests a brunch with no mimosas. For shame!

5. Show up to a party with chips and no queso.

What are chips without their queso? Like a night without big and bright stars. Or I45 without traffic. Or Greenville without any hipster taco joints. So please, keep the chips and queso together, forever and always.

Also never refer to queso as cheese. No hablamos.

6. Bring up JFK.

We’re still a little sensitive.

7. Remind us that the Dallas Cowboys actually play in Arlington.

They are the Dallas Cowboys. No matter where their stadium is, they will always be the Dallas Cowboys. It’s not our fault Arlington has a monopoly on cheap land and big entertainment. In fact, we’d really prefer if Arlington just fell off the map, except then people from Arlington might start calling themselves Dallasites and that just can’t happen. Their identity crisis is not our problem. So we’ll happily drive outside the bubble to cheer on our team, but don’t expect us to start informally adopting the estranged mid-city. We’ll always choose to sit in traffic for an hour to get back to Dallas before ever voluntarily eating at an Arlington Applebee’s.

8. Drive timidly.

Dallas drivers are some of the most aggressive, cut-throat drivers in the country. Get in our way and we will weave around you at 80mph so adeptly that your knuckles will stay white for a week. True locals know that the highways in Dallas are still governed by the rules of the Wild West. It’s every car for itself, and don’t expect law enforcement to keep us in check. We know which areas are open season and we will take full advantage. Especially if there’s a sale going on at Neiman’s.

9. But for the love of God — who we love very much and yes we’re bringing brisket to the potluck church dinner — don’t make us drive on 635.

We will lose our Christian cool, and we really don’t want to do that.

10. “Oh I’ve never been to Texas, but Austin sounds cool!”

We get it, everyone loves Austin. We’ll even admit it’s a fun place to go for a music festival or bachelor(ette) party. However, we’d like the world to know we have a lot to offer too. From quality theater and shows at the Winspear to museums like the George Bush Presidential Library, the Perot Museum of Nature and Science, and the Dallas Museum of Art — not to mention the parks, diverse neighborhoods, botanical garden, lakes, aquarium and even a zoo — Dallas makes for a fantastic destination weekend too. Although some may call us snobs, it’s just that we can’t help but be proud of our incredible city.

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