Photo: Eddy Van 3000
1. You’re now more patient than a Buddhist monk.
Because she always arrives late. Doesn’t matter if the sun is shining, if it’s pouring rain, or dumping snow. You’re gonna wait. A lot.
2. Parties are a lot more fun.
She has the amazing power of being able to start funny and original conversations with everyone, anywhere, anytime. And she never stops.
3. You won’t bother trying to learn any new languages or business techniques.
Because you don’t need them. Her smile and charm transcend language and cultural barriers. She is a master of unofficial sign language. And she’s never scared to use it. She’ll haggle with the foreign, non-Spanish-speaking guy who runs a stolen-things-and-more business in some dirty and dark corner of Barcelona until she can get you a pair of cool sunglasses for five euros instead of 30.
4. You start to dislike el tango.
She loves the accent of the Argentinian guys just as much or more as you love the French girls’. But she dares to tell you that she wants to honeymoon in Buenos Aires?
“Ayyy, el tango…la gente…el tango…la gente,” she says with an extremely dreamy look.
Yeah, sure, la gente, you think. “Damnit, girl. Speak up. If you wanna dance tango with an Argentinian guy for a thousand years, just go there single.”
5. You cook lunch day in and day out so she can watch “Mujeres y Hombres y Viceversa.”
6. You can order a corto pequeño de cerveza without embarrassment.
You order the usual caña grande — a really tiny beer — for you and your delicate Spanish girlfriend. “Why can’t she just drink the normal one?” you wonder. But it doesn’t matter what you think, so you just do your best to deflect the awkward look the bartender throws you. Then you bring the ridiculous mini-beer to your girl. She’s going to sip it in the daintiest way possible, which makes it look even worse.
7. You’ll learn how to shut up while the Spanish national soccer team is playing.
You thought you were a fútbol expert. When you were six years old you were already playing the forward position on your school team, and have been playing the sport ever since. Your most precious belonging is the official Real Madrid jersey signed by Raúl. Yes, the legendary Raúl.
But from 2008 to 2012 — when the Spanish team didn’t suck anymore — everyone in the country became soccer crazy. Now even your Spanish girlfriend, who never gave a damn about the sport, knows more (or thinks she knows more) about it than you. She’s in love with Casillas and Piqué and Diego Costa. So if you ever dare to say — now that the team sucks again — how crappy they’re playing during some meaningless match, be aware that your lovely girlfriend will probably cut off your “footballs” while you sleep.
8. You stop trying to cook tortilla de patata altogether.
Everyone knows she cooks it better.
9. You realize that the early bird girlfriend — the one who makes fresh orange juice and cooks American pancakes with peanut butter on them before you wake up on chilly Sunday mornings — doesn’t exist in Spain.
That sounds awesome, sure. But you can just keep dreaming, man. Because she sleeps way more than you. Good lord, she even snores sometimes. And, of course, she never gets close to the juicer, in case it bites.
10. You’ll stop trying to understand her when she takes you shopping with her in Zara.
“¿Cómo me ves con este mono ajustado tapeta bolsillo?” She’ll say. And you don’t say a thing. You just let your mind fly like during that Calculus class where old professor Faustino Rodríguez spent really long hours jibber-jabbering about irrational numbers. Yep, same feeling.
11. You discover a new hatred for the singer Pablo Alborán and his “Solamente tú” song.
“Oh, it’s so romantic,” she says after listening to it for what must be the 600th time.
12. You’ll come to depend on honey to cure your ailments.
“So sweet!” you think when she buys it for you. She might also cook you a traditional healthy soup. Most of the time it’s delicious.