It’s NOT just a banana. Photo by ekosystem

If you want the MacGuyver know-how to rescue a no-pipe situation, then this article will bequeath upon you the knowledge and skills to save the day.

MY PRIZE CREATION so far has been a mango bubbler, dubbed the Mango Bonga. In terms of form, function and flavor, it takes the cake. Here’s how you can make your very own (and some others).

First, choose a hefty, meaty mango. You will hollow out the mango by removing the seed. Take your knife and cut off the upper 1/4th of the fruit’s meat levelly. As with all of these potential projects, be careful not to put a hole in them where you don’t want one.

Trippy apples. Photo by h-k-d

The seed will then be jutting out and fairly easy to remove. Make sure to leave the top sizeable enough for the seed to cover and create a vacuum with what remains of the meat. This will become your carb. Next insert your slide at an angle of around 45 degrees so that the bowl of it is pointing up. Then fill the cavity with water until it is about halfway up the height of the slide.

Adjust the cut of the fruit on the top so the seed can create a tight seal with the meat. Poke a small hole on the opposite side of the fruit from the slide and you should know what to do from here. If not, you may just be entirely hopeless. You’ll find the mango flavor to be an absolutely wonderful compliment to a cloud of some fuzzy sticky-icky-forest-fire smoke.

Melons and coconuts can be made into wonderful bubblers with a simple drilling of two holes and insertion of a slide. The slide should always be about half way immersed into the liquid at the angle mentioned prior. Make sure of course, that there is a cavity for the smoke to gather en masse before inhalation.

If you’re looking for something more simple and utilitarian, you can always carve out a carrot into a chillum. No slide needed here, so this may be the best option for the woefully unprepared or airport ready.

Visions of mangos. Photo by santos

There is also the classic apple technique, which entails drilling a small mouth hole with your pen into the center of the apple from the side and doing the same at 90 degrees from that incision through the top of the stem. If you’ve chosen your apple well, than the natural concave recesses of the apple’s top will make a bowl for you. The flavor is quite delicious as well, and subject to change with the type of apple.

This two hole apple method can be applied to tomatoes, gourds, squashes, papayas, pears and oranges as well. This author would also like to recommend a “J” insertion into any of these flavorful orafices as an excellent experience enhancer. With anything listed here but an apple though, use a slide.

For those with a taste for the phallic, bananas and cucumbers will do the trick. Simply drill a center cavity, lop off the ends and insert the slide about 3/4 down one side. Make sure to leave some meat in the piece for flavor.

For the brave, try making a bubbler out of a chili pepper. Simply cut off the top around the stem, keeping the mouth hole small, insert the slide and fill with the liquid of your choice. MAKE SURE YOU REMOVE ALL OF THE SEEDS! You do not want to have burning hot chili pepper seeds lodged in your lungs. Bell peppers will also work with this method. Obviously, the larger the pepper is, the easier it will be to deal with, and believe me this will be an interesting experience.

Happy carrot. Photo by kyntharyn74

Another shining moment in the the history of the innovative use of produce department items has been the creation of the pineapple bong. Cut the top off, hollow out the core, insert the slide and fill with water if necessary. This creation falls second only to the Mango Bonga and never fails to amuse.

So now, young culinary engineer, with your head full of those mysterious things called ideas, go forth unto the local market, armed with your ingenuity and newfound know-how, and wisely select your weapon of choice.

Make someone’s day or save the day, for now you have the knowledge to never be faced with a lack of devices.

Editor’s Note: Make sure that you familiarize yourself with the rules about what is legal to smoke and what is not, depending on where you currently live or travel. We certainly don’t advocate doing anything illegal.

Community Connection

Suddenly, uh, got the munchies? We’ve got an an unreal amount of food articles on Matador, from how to bake your own bread to binge eating in foreign cities. Hamburger porn? Sure. Insane New York City dessert? Check. How to eat rooster balls? Yeah, we’ve got that too.