1. You take out-of-town visitors to Elitch’s, but fill their head with how glorious the original Elitch Gardens was back at 38th and Tennyson.

It doesn’t matter if they have modern rides now, or a water park. The Wildcat was so epic that no coaster at the new park can live up, and you had your first kiss somewhere in the botanic gardens.

2. You get all of the subtle Colorado references on the show South Park.

Was that Jake Jabs on Season 11, Episode 13?

3. You have a friend in the diamond business.

He lives just off Arapahoe Road on Imporia Street, 1 half mile east of I-25. Open Monday thru Friday till 8, Saturday and Sunday till 5.

4. You warn tourists about the food at Casa Bonita.

It really is that bad. That, of course, is why they force you to buy a meal to enter the hall. How else would they stay in business?

5. You’ve always had a bit of a crush on Adele Arakawa, whether you admit it or not.

TV personalities are usually pretty attractive, and when they talk about nothing other than your city, every night on 9News, it is just so easy to be mesmerized.

6. Nobody beats a Dealin’ Doug Deal.

Nobody. Also, nobody looks better in a Wal-Mart-style Colorado Rockies jersey.

7. You kind-of believe the conspiracy theories about Denver International Airport having an underground bunker for the apocalypse, but you definitely believe that it is too far away and that they never quite got it together when it comes to baggage handling.

‘Far-flung’ only begins to describe DIA. Even the so-called high-speed train that is opening next year is going to take over half an hour to get there from downtown.

8. Mountain addict or city lover? It doesn’t really matter here.

You can be both, at the same time! Want to get away from the city but not leave everything behind? Don’t worry, the traffic on I-70 is just as bad in Summit County as it is in Denver.

9. You know where the Valley Highway is.

We should bring back the name just to confuse the ridiculous influx of transplants. They’d be too stoned to ever figure it out.

10. You will never forget where you were on January 25, 1998.

I’ll Mile High Salute you to that. Watching YouTube videos of the helicopter dive still brings tears to your eyes.

Photo: Rob Lee