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How To Become an English Northerner in 22 Easy Steps

by Tommy Walker Jun 27, 2015

1. Add the word ‘like’ to the end of your sentences.

Just to reaffirm what you have said, like.

2. Develop a habit for chips with garlic sauce, gravy and cheese.

Eat them, adore them, get addicted to them… You’ll now fit in somewhat.

3. No warm clothes for a night out.

Wind, rain or snow… you’re still gonna be wearing short skirts and T-shirts.

4. Live and work for the weekend.


5. Put into practice some new vocabulary…

Dinner and supper are now “tea.” Small children are now “bairns.” Food is now “scarn.” Fizzy drinks are now “pops.” Cigarettes are now “tabs.” You should now refer to your little brother as “our kid.” And you should better stop looking for a job and get a trade!

6. Find your dive and live by it.

Your local pub is your local pub, but a dive is just personal.

7. Religiously eat Yorkshire puddings on a Sunday.


8. Know your parmo.

A Teesside delight that should go international.

9. Go get a haircut.

Short back and sides with a bit on top or — contrastingly — an indie mop. It’s pretty much one or the other here.

10. Go to a major UK music festival per year.

Leeds or Creamfields… your choice.

11. Grab a flight to Spain or the Caribbean for your annual sun fix.

Either Jet2 or Ryanair are good budget options.

12. Enjoy an evening of tea with biscuits while watching Coronation Street.

13. Grab a lemon top as soon as the sun shows up.

It doesn’t matter if it’s only five degrees outside, if the sun is out, it’s ice cream time.

14. Maintain a weekly routine of using sunbeds…

All year round, until you are so tanned you don’t need to filter your Instagram photos anymore.

15. Learn to appreciate Greggs.

16. Shorten your words until you sound a little like this:

‘Av you now? Tha urt’s tha dunnit?”

17. Be less individualistic and more patient.

You ain’t Southern.

18.1. Shave your stubble regularly (guys).

18.2. Over-dress on any occasion (ladies).

19. Acquaint yourself with white wine and cider.

Nothing as Lambrini and Cider for a nice and cheap drinking session.

20. Take any media coverage of the North to heart.

Even if it’s light-hearted, untrue or simply just the truth… take it personally. That’s the Northern way.

21. Learn to talk football.

Football is a religion here. So you better talk sense and keep up to date with the latest news or you’ll be soon found out.

22. Give and take banter whenever you can.

That’s what Northern friends are there for. Right?

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