11 Reasons You Should Never Date an Arizonan

1. We’ll stomp you at basically anything outdoorsy.

From rodeo to rafting, hiking to hang gliding, off-roading to orienteering, we’ve been experts at it all since we were knee-high to an ostrich (which we’ve bred alongside our steers since we were in 4-H).

2. We’re stoners.

We legalized medical marijuana in 2010 though the effort was on the ballot back in 1996, earlier than most states. It’s just another marker of our libertarian mentality. But it is a well-known idea that stonerhood matches up nicely with being a great lover.

3. Our families are going to vet you forever.

You cannot win this battle. But (if and) when they finally accept you, you’ll have a team of up to 100 aunties and mamas on your side, forever and ever, amen.

4. We’ll take you on a 20-mile bike ride in the heat and pretend it’s an enjoyable way to spend a scorching Sunday afternoon.

We’ve found the perfect deodorant and sickly enjoy watching you struggle and sweat. Don’t worry, though; we’ll always have a hidden supply of water stashed away for you.

5. We’ll try to convince you that rain in the desert smells like romance.

We are fully aware that rain has no smell, but there’s no denying the musty perfume of the monsoons hitting the creosote bushes. We know you think it stinks, but for us, it’s heaven.

6. We drink. A lot.

You’ll find us knocking back a Michelada, a Dos Equis, or a margarita. Or a shot of mezcal. Or a Kurrrrrz lite. Or, Dios forbid, all of those. And we’ll expect you to keep up during round two by the campfire.

7. We don’t have sex between March and November.

It’s far too hot. And when we crank up the air conditioning or try it in a pool, there’s a shrinkage factor to consider. So forget about it.

8. We are like 90 years old.

Arizona is a state of retirees looking for college-student sugar babies. With that comes liver spots, varicose veins, and imperfect plastic surgery. But we’ll take you to the best buffet in town.

9. On the second date, instead of flowers, you’re going to get a Kokopelli statuette.

You might think it’s quaint until you get that bronze howling coyote on the third date.

10. We sure hope you aren’t expecting a diamond when we propose because you’re getting a chunk of turquoise wrapped in copper wire.

Nothing says forever like our state metal hugging our state stone.

11. We will bring you a slew of gear to protect you from our vehicles.

Hope you like shin guards and goggles protecting your peepers against sand in our monster trucks, and military-grade helmets protecting your noggin on our Harleys. It’s not that we don’t like your short romper, it’s just that your butt cheeks are going to stick to the vinyl seat, and that’ll leave a mark.