Girls from Arizona are as varied as the local cactus flowers, but if you invest a bit of care, you’ll learn that whether we originally hail from San Diego or Nogales, Freedonia or Sedona, there are indeed a few things we chicas come to have in common. There are certain behaviors we just won’t put up with — and there are a few secret ways to warm our already warm desert hearts.
1. Thou shall not bitch about the heat.
Dude, we know. We’re sweaty. We are visibly leaking perspiration from every possible sweat site. Our minimal makeup is melting off our faces. Our clothes are sticking to the seat and eau de sunscreen permeates all. Our deodorant wore off a long, long time ago. We get it. Zip it.
2. Thou shall hold the door open for women AND everyone else.
It isn’t gentlemanly, it’s simply kind. And it’s the right thing to do.
3. Thou shall ask the server to keep the chips and salsa flowing.
And this should happen without us having to say “yes please” when s/he asks if we want more. Chips and salsa should magically appear before us like pots of gold do for leprechauns.
4. Thou shall walk on the outside of the sidewalk.
This one is contentious, but OG Arizona rules say it’s traditional for the man to take the outside when walking aside a lady on a sidewalk. Lore has it that it’s so no high-rise dwellers dump their dirty wash water on her head; alternatively, it’s said that it’s so she doesn’t get splashed by muddy horse and carriage overspray on a rare rainy day. Those of us of a certain age notice the genteel etiquette, however outdated.
5. Thou shalt remove thy hat at an eating establishment.
Another old-fashioned grace we do indeed take note of.
6. Thou shall cool off the car before inviting us in.
Not unlike heated seats in winter, a less-than-135-degree vehicle interior is a surefire way to make us smile on the way to the air-conditioned movie theater in the air-conditioned mall.
7. Thou shall enjoy all things outdoors.
Or at least not complain when we want to take you rock climbing, horseback riding, mountain biking, off-roading, or just take a hike to show you a secret waterfall. And thou shall make love to us under the stars while on a camping adventure.
8. Thou shall swoon over all the animals.
All the animals are friends to all the Arizona girls; it’s symbiotic somehow.
9. Thou shall wear appropriate clothes for the setting.
Unless you’re an actual ranch hand (which, face it, is hot!), you need not don a cowboy hat or tuck your bright Western snap shirt into your too-tight Wrangler jeans.
10. Thou shall cook us carne asada tacos.
And garnish them with cabbage, not lettuce.
11. Thou shall be a proficient dancer, starting with but not limited to two-step.
On that note, thou shall appreciate old-school country music and detest contemporary popular country western drivel.
12. Thou shall remove the snakes from our house or garage or yard, upon request.
And thou shall let us do it ourselves, if we prefer to, without kicking up a fuss.