1. Thou shalt accept his open relationship with a beaver called Buc-ee.
It sounds weirder than it is, but all Texans are seeing a Beaver called Buc-ee on the side. Known to seduce people with Beaver Nuggets and Kolaches from Temple down to Baytown, Buc-ee isn’t a threat, rather a serious way to spice up any relationship (or road trip).
2. Thou shalt worship with him at the house of Whataburger.
Second only to Jesus, Whataburger truly holds a special place in the hearts of all Texans. And if you have a problem with a Jalapeno and Cheese Whataburger and dipping your fries in spicy ketchup, you’re gonna have a problem with him too.
3. And thou shalt go as far as to steal the Whataburger number tent.
Think of it as memorabilia from the best date you ever had, the one that might make it to the groom’s table at a future wedding before taking a permanent spot on the mantle of your 1800-acre ranch house.
4. Thou shalt love “all y’all”
To date a Texas boy you have to learn to love the language and love the family because it’s a package deal. Don’t worry though, with a little practice, a little patience, and probably a lot of booze, you’ll soon show up to a family calf fry fluent in Texan and friendly with “all y’all.”
5. Thou shalt always listen to Strait on eight.
To honor our King George, you’ll listen to a Strait song every time the clock shows an “8” at the end. 1:08 Amarillo by Morning, 1:18 All My Exes Live in Texas, 1:28 Check Yes or No, 1:38 Write This Down, 1:48 Love Without End Amen, 1:58 The Chair.
6. Thou shalt forget the names Ben and Jerry.
But will have tattooed the words Blue and Bell.
7. Thou shalt not ask “are we there yet.”
No. We’re halfway and still have another 6 hours.
8. Thou shalt understand that dinner and a movie is actually dinner in the movie.
A proper movie date in Texas is only at the Alamo Drafthouse where dinner is served while you watch the movie in ultra comfortable chairs. Thou shalt also order the warm peanut butter banana cookies because they’re damn good no matter who you’re dating.
9. Thou shalt talk about football whilst dancing around your team of allegiance.
Please, for the sake of the relationship, love football, but do not state your allegiance to any team. Texas is a big, big state, with many a fandom, and the quickest way to ruin your date is by talking about the wrong team. In the Lone Star State it’s better to stay neutral, and unless you both show up to dinner wearing burnt orange sweat-shirts, just talk about the game, not the players.
10. Thou shalt leave fears of bbq stains at home.
If your first date with a Texas boy isn’t for BBQ (okay, or chicken fried steak), ask to see his driver’s license immediately. And on said dates, don’t worry about getting bbq sauce on your hands, clothes, face, or mouth…especially the mouth, because, well, you know.
11. Thou shalt commit to the LONE star.
Love has no boundary, except the ones with New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, and Mexico.
12. Thou shalt always eat too many chips before dinner.
When the waitress at (insert favorite family ran Mexican restaurant) brings out the chips and hot sauce, you’ll need to help eat the first basket, discuss that you probably shouldn’t have any more, order a second basket anyway, and finish those as well. Literally no judgement. It’s actually encouraged.
13. Thou shalt drink cokes.
But only Dr Pepper. (Really steal his heart with a Dublin Dr Pepper).
14. Speaking of ordering, Thou must be ready to answer the time old question “Shiner or Lone Star?”
Hint: either is correct!
15. Thou shalt keep thy eyes to the sky.
Because the Texas one is seriously the biggest one you’ll see.