1. “How are you affording this?”

I never go out. I eat ramen all day. I have a crappy apartment where you can put your feet on the bed while you’re sitting on the toilet. Or, you know, my parents are rich. So, you’re either going to think I’m crazy — or just spoiled.

2. “I bet you’ll meet someone while you’re over there.”

Yeah, the American accent isn’t as cute as you think it is. You’re just going to make me feel worse when I come home lonelier than ever.

3. “Aren’t you worried about terrorism?”

Ugh. No.

4. “Oh! I spent three days in Tokyo in the 90’s. Let me tell you where to go.”

Unless you’ve spent more than a week in a place, you have nothing to offer me as a tour guide.

5. “I just found the French to be so rude.”

Yeah, that wasn’t because the French are rude. It’s because they all hated you specifically.

6. “Wow, traveling with your significant other? Good luck.”

If you can’t survive a vacation with the person you love, you need to break up anyway.

7. “I’ve heard it’s dangerous there.”

Really? I’ve done no research on the place I’m visiting and have no idea what I’m getting into or what situations to avoid. Gosh, thanks for the warning, I’ll cancel my trip.

8. “I prefer to do staycations. They’re so much cheaper, and you get to explore your own town like it’s a new place!”

You realize you’re just describing everyday life, right?

9. “I’ve just never had any interest in going to the Middle East.”

Just say you don’t like Muslims. It saves time and tells me all I need to know about you.

10. “Oh, I went to Mexico! The resort was beautiful.

Unless you went outside the resort, you didn’t go to Mexico. You just went to a little US replica they built in a corner of Mexico.

11. “Eh, London’s fine, but give me New York any day. Greatest city in the world.”

Have you been to every other city in the world? Yeah, then you don’t know what you’re talking about. Just because Lin Manuel-Miranda said something doesn’t mean it’s true.

12. “Aren’t you worried about paying off your student loans?”

My entire generation has student loan debt. We’ve got so much debt, the economy’s gonna collapse under it in like, 10 years. Until then, I’ll just ride this credit gravy train right off the cliff.

13. “I’ve always wanted to go to China, I just don’t approve of their government, so I don’t want to support them with my tourism dollars.”

Yeah, you know what they say about travel: to go somewhere is to agree with everything their government has ever done. That’s why I can’t go to Mongolia (because of Genghis Khan, of course), or England (because of Thatcher’s war on the working class), or France (because calling a ham and cheese sandwich a croque monsieur is just a bit too pretentious for my taste).

14. “I’d travel more, I just hate flying.”

Everyone hates flying. I hate exercise and eating healthy, but I love not being obese. Get some balance into your life.

15. “Take lots of pictures.”

I don’t think anyone needs a selfie of me shoving yakisoba down my gullet.

16. “I just don’t get going abroad when there’s so much to see in the United States.”

And I don’t understand ever eating pizza when I haven’t tried every burger in existence.

17. “Have a safe trip!”

Really? Not have a good trip? Not have a fun trip? Sure, let’s treat life as if the only success is making it out alive.

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