Denver girls are gorgeous. They’re outdoors-y. They’re independent. If you’ve been here, you know these things. Chances are your heart strings were (or are) tugged by the beckons of high-altitude romance. It happened to me. But it’s not always easy. I’m here to provide fair warning: it’s hard to go back to your previous self after falling for a Denver girl. You may wind up head over heels in a third-story apartment, typing into a MacBook with a giddy expression on your face, your life plans completely rewritten. Here are seven reasons you should never date a girl from Denver.

1. She doesn’t care about sports and holds a general disdain for both jocks and bros.

This feeling was born long before Denver became popular, but has only amplified in recent years. Most transplants fit into at least one of those two categories. She’s so tired of getting hit on by ski-bros from the East Coast at the bar that if you approach her while wearing a Patriots hat, you’re in line for a slapping. No fist pumping, no Jager bombs, no nights crawling the clubs of LoDo. That’s some gaper bullshit.

That said, she’ll never miss a Broncos game. That would be a disgrace to both herself and her family.

2. She’ll plan backpacking trips with her “college friends” because she doesn’t want to be held back by your bad knees.

She won’t tell you about them until plans are solidified, and oh crap she would have invited you but she knew you had a work thing that weekend.

3. The whole ‘digital nomad’ thing won’t work out because there’s no way you’re going to uproot her from Colorado. No way.

Maybe a piece of land outside of town, potentially as far as the San Luis Valley. But even then, you both know you’ll miss the music scene, breweries, weed, neighborhoods, and feeling like you’re in Europe every time you walk through Union Station. You can take the girl out of Denver, but never the other way around.

4. She doesn’t want to meet your friends that just moved to town.

She’s passionate. She’s loving. She’s dedicated. There’s no time for those college buddies that showed up to check out the weed scene and do some “hikes” at Red Rocks. Her yearning for adventure, that beckoning call to the mountains, brings both of you out of town most weekends. Which also means . . .

5. It’s impossible to plan a surprise weekend getaway.

She doesn’t want to go to the beach, and, in general, hates warm-weather destinations. Most weekends are booked out months in advance for either camping or ski trips, maybe a snowshoe if we’re feeling lazy. Even when there is a free weekend, why not just use it to work down that 14’ers list?

6. You’ll quickly discover that any stereotypical ideas of macho-masculinity are the biggest turnoff ever.

She’ll carry her own backpack, thank you very much. She brought extra water and mapped out options for the route, parking area, and spots for a beer afterward. If you thought you’d get away with calling the shots, it’s going to be a tough go. She wants your input and wants to plan together. But toxic masculinity isn’t going to ruin the party. With Denver girls, it’s best to remember the three C’s:

  • Coordination
  • Collaboration
  • Compassion

7. You can never properly explain her to family members.

There’s just something about her that women from other places don’t have. A confidence born of being the perfect blend of city hipster and rugged mountain girl. She holds her own in every conversation, ever. To the point where your contributions often serve merely to accent her points and you realize that, no matter how stubborn and determined she is, you could never imagine not having her around. All hope is lost on that front.

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