1. Honk the horn when you pull up to the house.
No, come to the door to pick up your date. Do you not realize that her daddy is waiting on the porch and he finds joy in scaring you? With over 51% of Alabamians being gun owners, I’d call that a 100% chance that you’ll regret ever putting your hand on that horn.
2. Order a Bud Light.
Nah, I don’t think so. We’re gonna cancel that order, and take this opportunity to have an Alabama craft beer tasting. If you can’t appreciate Good People’s Coffee Oatmeal Stout, we might as well shake hands and part ways as friends.
3. Follow up our pronunciation with the ‘correct’ pronunciation.
Where we come from, “oil” rhymes with “pole,” “pin” and “pen” are the same, and we reckon that you’ll find some decent manners “over yunder”. If you choose to poke fun at our accent or expressions, well, don’t throw a hissy fit when we decide to end the night early.
4. Say that you’re a homebody.
We’re genetically disposed to crave the sunshine, so if you won’t find happiness tossing a nerf on a beach in the Gulf, or in an inner tube while floating down the Cahaba, well, that’s just not going to work, hon’.
5. Imply that Alabamians are stupid.
Bless your heart, what gave you that idea? Is it the accent or the lack of shoes? We’ll listen patiently to hear all of your tired clichés about our state, but then we’ll swiftly remind you that we are directly responsible for putting a man on the moon.
6. Mention Alabama’s need for a Pro Football team.
Nah, we don’t have time for that. Between the houndstooth jackets, and the blue and orange face paint, we barely have time to make it to a Blazers game. We’ve got our plates full with our college teams, really.
7. Admit that you’re a Tennessee fan.
Yeah…we just don’t see this working out.