Ashley Fryer clearly hasn’t watched enough horror movies.

In direct defiance of every slasher flick survival rule ever, Fryer went into a strange house and opened a locked closet, and, well, pretty much got what she was asking for.

No, Michael Myers didn’t pop out, but it wasn’t too far off. When Fryer opened the closet at her European Airbnb on Tuesday afternoon, she found what can best be described as a Criminal Minds unsub starter kit. It included:

  • Two guns, which while not unusual in America, in Europe means you’re either planning a crime or a revolution
  • A highly erotic painting. Perhaps the owner was waiting for his contractor to finish the renovation on the Red Room. And…
  • A TYPEWRITER MADE OF HUMAN TEETH!!!!!

In case you missed that, that’s a TYPEWRITER MADE OF HUMAN TEETH.

Knowing only a complete psychopath still uses a typewriter, Fryer did what any rational human being does and called the police. And by “called the police,” we mean “went on Twitter and showed the whole world she’d probably rented an Airbnb from a serial killer.”

Ever the polite guest, Fryer said she felt “a bit mean posting a photo of someone else’s place,” clearly less of a sociopath than whoever made that typewriter. She also rhetorically asked, “We’re going to die in here, aren’t we?” Which is funny, since she’s still alive at the time of publication. Her Twitter, however, is now private.

The Twitterverse responded as you’d think, advising her to shoot the typewriter with the guns, bite the guns with the typewriter, and do pretty much everything short of torching the whole place and sending it back to the hell it crawled out of. Author Judy Picoult even offered to write a novel based on the tweet, though licensing terms have yet to be negotiated.

The lesson here folks is, once again, NEVER open a locked closet in a strange house, even if it does belong to a Superhost. If you do open the closet and find what a realtor might call a Junior Portal to Hell, absolutely take it to social media before doing anything else. The police might not save you, but your Twitter followers will very much appreciate it.