1. Climb some stairs…and have a panoramic view of one of the most beautiful cities in the world? No, thanks, too tiring. Postcards will suffice for me.

All photos by the author.

2. Enjoy some Fado? Yes, it’s on the UNESCO’s Intangible Cultural Heritage List, but it’s so sad and sentimental…I am more of a rock-and-roll kind of person.

3. I don’t see the charm in old districts where happy people just chat with each other on the streets, and hang their clothes there! Truly barbaric.

4. Forget about wandering around to find graffiti…is that even art?

5. Visit Belem, the monuments, the cultural center? What for? They look the same as in other countries in Europe.

6. Who can possibly believe that the best way to travel is to move around like a local? Trams are old, uncomfortable, and slow. Taxi!!!

7. Really…it takes more than some paintings and tiles to make the metro interesting. The authorities should use their money wisely, on important things.

8. Having delicious egg tarts, in the place where they were created, is an overrated experience.

9. Feira da Ladra? Please, take me to a real shopping mall, not a street market where only cheap and second-hand goods are sold. I don’t care if they say it is one of the most amazing street markets in the world…

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10. Visiting a cemetery to get a nice view of the 25th April Bridge? Who on Earth would enjoy that?

11. Ok, so you sit down and admire the river… and then what? Booooring.

12. You really want me to try the ginjinha? It’s just some berry-infused alcohol. I’ll have a commercial beer, thanks!