He is like a thick, long book (Está tocho).
He just pussy jibber-jabbering (chochea). [Author’s note: use only the verb chochear. Do not use the noun “ch*cho”. Again, do not use the noun “ch*cho”. Seriously guys, it’s very vulgar. I’m feeling even bad trying to explain it].
He says, the place “is in the fifth pine tree” (Está en el quinto pino) or “is in the fifth hell” (Está en el quinto infierno) or “is in the fifth pussy” (Está en el quinto coño) or “is a tomar por culo” (something kinda untranslatable related with “taking-the-ass business”).
He just goes “to do pipi or popo.”
He “goes to change the water to the canary” (Va a cambiar el agua al canario).
They do things “with two big balls” (Con dos cojones).
It’s just like he really “cares a cucumber about it” (Le importa un pepino) or “cares a pepper about it” (Le importa un pimiento) or in a more disrespectful way, “Se la repanpinfla / Se la sopla” which means that “he doesn’t really give a fuck.”
He has “un coche de la hostia.” [Note: Hostia means “communion bread” but informally it’s used as “damn / damn it / bloody hell.” Note 2: Do not ask why].
He goes “all pill’s way” (A toda pastilla).
“His head just goes” (Se le va la cabeza) or “his clothespin just goes” (Se le va la pinza) or “his pot just goes” (Se le va la olla).
He says “wow, Lorenzo is hitting” (Como pega Lorenzo). [Note: Yes, we call the sun “Lorenzo” sometimes. Note 2: Here’s an extra witty and naughty Spanish saying related to the hot weather and voluptuous girls being around: If you are in a very hot place and there are some beautiful women with big boobs nearby, you can joke — read carefully, this is important — with your friends (if you dare to tell the woman, she will slap you, so watch out!) saying “hace una calor que te torras.”
You don’t get it, do you? OK, it literally means “it’s hot like you are toasting yourself” but — again, read carefully, this is important — “te + torras = tetorras = very informal way to say big tits.” Got it now? Pretty cool, eh?]
He also says, “that’s hard, dude!” (¡Qué fuerte, tío!)
They just “have a mother f*cker time” (Se lo pasan de puta madre) or “have a sunflower seed time” (Se lo pasan pipa) or “have a tit time” (Se lo pasan teta).
He’s “made of dust” (Está hecho polvo).
He says, “it gives me a stick” (Me da palo).
He just “gives you the tin” (Te da la lata).
They say “you fall fat to me” (Me caes gordo) or “you fall like the ass to me” (Me caes como el culo).
He “throws her pieces of tiles” (Le tira los tejos).
He just “makes your teeth longer” (Te pone los dientes largos).
He “goes in his ball” (Va a su bola).
He “is in the silly soup” (Está en la sopa boba).
They just “live of storytelling” (Viven del cuento). [Note: Just forget this one. It’s too autobiographical].
He’s “filtered for your bones” (Está colado por tus huesos).
They just tell you, “go to fry asparagus” (Vete a freir espárragos) or “go to dig scallion” (Vete a escarbar cebollino) or “go to take the sack” (Vete a tomar por saco) or something like — OK, this might be a bit more disrespectful — “go take the ass” (Vete a tomar por culo). 