14 Reasons You Should Never Visit São Paulo

4. Mortadella? I’m a vegetarian.

…And gluten-free.

Para um sábado a tarde. Saturday afternoon. – feltran.com – #fotos #foto #photos #photo #foodstyle #foodart #food #foodgasm #foodpics #foodporn #foodphoto #foodphotos #foodstagram #foodstyling #foodphotographer #foodphotography #sandwich #sanduiche #mortadella #mortadela #snack #sabado #saturday @feltranfotografia

A photo posted by Leo Feltran (@feltranfotografia) on Sep 12, 2015 at 12:21pm PDT

5. Yeah, I guess Sao Paulo has a ton of handcrafts, vintage items and retro vinyl — for crazy cheap. But it’s just so much easier to go to Ikea.

6. Clubbing with a bunch of beautiful people sounds awful. Definitely don’t want to go.

7. I don’t have time to go see one of the greatest parks in the world. And I don’t care if it has Oscar Niemeyer’s work all over it. No! I will never go to Ibirapuera.

8. Who cares if the ocean’s just 50 minutes away? I hate sand. Definitely don’t care about Guaruja.

9. You know why I hate São Paulo? Because there’s no end to it. Everything’s happening 24/7 — can’t a person just be bored for once?

10. And it’s so hard to get from one end to the other!

11. Why would I want to go to a city where everyone’s so entranced by its beauty all the time? I mean, if I want to fall in love, I’ll join a dating website.

12. I’d rather just drink instant coffee.

Just a ‘light’ afternoon snack ☕️🍰👌👌😊😊 #saopaulo #itaimbibi #saopauloeats #saopaulocoffee #lepainquotidien #cheesecake #theperfectcheesecake

A photo posted by Sara Elizabeth (@sarasalavarriaphotog) on Sep 14, 2015 at 1:57pm PDT

13. I’m content with my frozen pizza. I only like pepperoni anyway.

14. And yeah, that pastel thing sounds like way too many calories.