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10 Worst Types of Spanish Men

by Cristina E. Lozano Oct 14, 2015
1. El niñato.

Smarter than the rest, funnier than most, but come on! He’s 30 and still in college. He lives at home with his parents or in a studio apartment paid for by them. His biggest aspiration is partying until the body asks for mercy. The niñato has not grown up nor does he intend to. He will come up with thousands of excuses to avoid adult life. He is an ideal candidate if you wish to stay trapped in youth, but he will become a burden if you want to share future plans, regardless of his cuteness.

2. El macarra.

He is a car lover with biceps big enough to kill an elephant and seems to be a tough dude (though this is not necessarily the case). He has never touched a book in his vida, fearing he’ll get a bad rash afterwards; every Saturday night he ends up in a God-forgotten tavern with his “colleagues.” Keeping up with his foul mouth will be a challenge for any gal. He might look like a decent guy, but the macarra won’t hesitate to spend the money you’ve been saving for the holidays on flashy new tires for his car.

3. El artista.

A painter, a musician, a writer…or maybe all three at once. A true dangerous type. The artist won’t stop until he’s got you mesmerized with his mysterious artistic halo and creative paranoia, helplessly in love at his feet. Yeah, he is interesting at first, but soon enough he turns into the unstable, uncertain, capricious kind. If you come across a writer who plays in a band and paints in his free time, run away as if escaping the plague. You’re standing next to a ticking bomb.

4. El futbolero.

The team doesn’t matter — merengue, blaugrana, colchonero — the soccer fan will give his life for it. His team is his priority and he proudly wears the jersey or its colors at all times. He won’t miss a match (not even an amistoso), he knows the formation for every club in the Spanish League — and most of the other European ones — and he follows the trades with more passion than a gossip magazine. In his eyes, Rome is not the capital of Italy but a city in Lazio. Don’t get too attached to the soccer fan — he might sell his kidney for a World Cup ticket.

5. El indeciso.

This minute it’s a “yes,” the next one it’s a “no.” Now you see me, now you don’t. I’m calling you because I can’t wait to see you, but I never make it happen. You won’t know anything about me for the next three months, and then I’ll text you “how are you” and “why haven’t you contacted me in such a long time.” The indecisive is a hell of a mess; he doesn’t know what he wants and is incapable of taking the bull by the horns. You’ll end up upside down until he gets what he wants, when he wants it. No le bailes el agua o acabarás escaldada.

6. El tuno.

Endangered species, yet not extinct. The tuno is a man who goes everywhere with other members of his herd, all dressing in black and carrying musical instruments. They wander from town to town serenading women until one, by grace, excess of alcohol, or pure boredom, ends up taking a tuno home with her. In general they are likeable, but they usually end up being lame, especially after they start telling stories about the tuna. If you can get him to sing Clavelitos, you have him in your pocket. He is perfect for a surreal farce of a night, but that’s it.

7. El salsero.

The salsa dancer is a particular trending type nowadays, slowly but surely invading the Spanish nightlife. He started teaching salsa with his girlfriend, but then he started changing partners in every bachata. He’s got moves, and when the latest Marc Anthony song is playing, he runs the place. He will make you feel like Dirty Dancing’s Baby, like he’ll do with the rest of us. Don’t trust the salsero, not even for a sec.

8. El guiri.

Both the Spanish guy on vacation and the foreigner in Spain for a couple days fit this category. He is fun and joyful and is willing to experiment, get to know places, and have the time of his life. With him, every day is Christmas day, but ¡ojo! This is a temporal state. The minute he stops being a guiri, he will go back to his old self and you’ll end up being a holiday adventure. Any plans that you make together will flake off.

9. El desperado.

Pobrecito. He just broke up with the girlfriend and he is soooo sad. All his buddies are dating and he is just dying to find a special someone (someone who can put up with him). If you give him two minutes of your life, you’ll become the most wonderful girl in the world. He tends to be pretty conservative and will suck you into his house, a wedding, and eight hijitos. The desperate guy is helpless — you or any other woman is exactly the same for him. Because what he feels is not love, but fear of being alone.

10. El fiestero.

Careful, do not mistake this one with the niñato. The fiestero has a full-time job, but at work all he thinks about are the upcoming Saturday night plans. He spends long weekends somewhere with a lively nightlife, and his ideal vacation destinations are islands full of raves, all-inclusive Caribbean resorts, and Mediterranean cruises — as long as they include an open bar. Money is never a problem, if it can be spent on cocktails. 99% of the time, this specimen will evolve into a flat-out drunk. There’s always an exception that proves the rule, but if you expect your party boy to be it, you’re more inebriated than he is.

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