Thou shalt go eat Fish Fry on Fridays.
Fish Fry Friday is a Wisconsin version of New York’s Sunday brunch, lots of booze and socializing included. Come what may, you must finish your work week at a table full of fish while you judge a good fish fry by its cover, er.. sides.
Thou shalt not leave home without an icescraper.
Because you are a tough (but nice) Wisconsinite, you know how to deal with the brutal fivemonth long winters. Shrug when the rest of the country shuts down on a snow day, and simply pick up an extra pair of fire retardant, waterresistant, GoreTex fortified, subzero temps ready tundra pants. And an icescraper.
Thou shalt be a proud Cheesehead.
You will bleed Green and Gold and it is not possible for you to be a fan of any other sports team but the Green Bay Packers. Unless it is the Badgers. The Badgers are allowed.
Thou shalt vacation in Wisconsin Dells apreskids.
Door County with its wineries and cherry orchards might have been your destination of choice when you’re young and carefree, but it is the Wisconsin Dells you’ll head to in your fullystacked minivan when your posterity arrives. Once there, do remember that a water park is actually fun, even if it’s an indoors wet and wild kind of fun. You must also embrace the tackiness of the numerous Dells’ attractions such as the Ducks rides and Wisconsin’s own Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.
Thou shalt frequent supper clubs.
Just like your greatgrandparents did during the Prohibition, you must visit these outoftheway backroad institutions where, amidst the stately dark wood-paneled setting, you will be treated to incredibly large amounts of homestyle cooked heavy foods and copious servings of brandy Old Fashioneds.
Thou shalt not take deer hunting lightly.
The deer hunting season opening day is to be celebrated as a national holiday. Every year in the Fall, you and hundreds of thousands of other Wisconsinites shall hit the road and head to the nearest forest in search of deer, which you will then proudly display, hoofs up, in the back of your pickup trucks. Camouflage gear is mandatory and it is encouraged as daily wear outside of the hunting season.
Thou shalt deep fry your food.
Everything tastes better deepfried, including those squeaky cheese curds, nuclearresistant twinkies, cookie dough and naturally, pickles. But you especially favor the good ol’ deepfried Old Fashioned, don’t you?
Thou shalt make fun of Minnesotans.
Or at the very least, ignore them in a true passiveaggressive fashion that you have perfected into an art form. And you must never, ever say the “V” word out loud.
Thou shalt be proud of Wisconsin cheese.
Especially if you’re from the South of the state, there is no escaping your cheese obsession, complete with building a fullon cheese castle and eating a cheese byproduct, the squeaky rubbery fresh oryou guessed itdeep fried cheese curd.
And most importantly,
Thou shalt love beer.
In your beer fridge, you must keep a selection of fine Wisconsin beers at all times: a PBR, a Spotted Cow, a Lakefront Ale, and at the very least, a six pack of Leinies.