Not that kind. Thongs are flip-flops, and rare is the occasion that is too fancy, or the weather too cold, for your boyfriend not to wear them. Even when he takes them off, the tan lines on his feet are so stark, he still looks like he’s wearing them.
He will happily eat Vegemite or a tin of baked beans on toast every morning for the rest of his life. And, if he’s feeling particularly gourmet, he’ll make Vegemite toast with a slice of cheese on top, presenting it to you all proud — as if even Gordon Ramsey himself couldn’t find a flaw on the plate — at which point you’ll pretend you’re yawning, coughing, or taking a sip of water, anything to cover up your gag reflex.
Your boyfriend could be as attractive as an Australian blobfish, but the moment he opens his mouth in a foreign country — any foreign country — the ladies swoon. They blush and squeal about how adorable he is and force him to say — over and over again — something “Australian” like “G’day mate!” or “Crikey!” Even though he never actually uses those phrases, he all-too-gladly obliges.
It could be just plain black, or the more bold red and blue, but the constellation — as seen on the Aussie flag — is probably somewhere on his body. Most likely, it’s on his forearm or his calf, but bonus Aussie-boyfriend points if the only reason you saw it is because he was wearing board shorts or a singlet.
You’ve watched his favourite movie, Aussie cult classic The Castle, so many times, the two of you sometimes talk about them like they’re actually next door. Also, you can never watch Eric Bana in a serious role, ever again.
From sunrise surfs to winter snowboarding to backyard cricket — he’s fearlessly braving sharks, spiders, snakes, mosquitoes, crocodiles, and all other manner of animals that can kill you (which is to say, most of them) in Australia.
In any given week, he will consume Thai, Lebanese, Italian, Greek, and Chinese. Although, he’s never happier than when he’s noshing on a true-blue Aussie hamburger topped with beetroot, pineapple, and fried egg.
His footy team is playing in the Grand Final. It’s your birthday. It’s Wednesday. It’s the anniversary of when The Castle was released (April 10 1997, but you probably already knew that). Any cause for celebration warrants a bucket full of stubbies and snags on the barbie — along with every imaginable cut of lamb, chicken skewers, and maybe chuck some sausage rolls in the oven, just in case Juzza is an actual person and turns up looking for food. 