1. Wait, you don’t sound like Peter Griffin.
While we can totally appreciate a great parody, we Rhode Islanders speak completely acceptable English. Unless you’re talking to someone from Cranston, I’d bet you’d never even realize we have an accent at all (save a few “r”s added or removed here and there). Oh, and as an aside, Quahog is a food, not a place.
2. Hold on. You’re from the Ocean State and you don’t live on the beach?
We can’t all make like Tay and drop 17 million big ones on a cliffside mansion perched above the Atlantic. Contrary to what some may think, the majority of us are working class and can’t (and don’t want to) drop some mad dolla dolla bills on some real estate. Plus, hurricanes.
3. But really, you don’t even own a boat?
Two words: docking fees. Two more: maintenance bites. Boats are a major pain in the ass. The secret here is to make friends with people who have boats — you’ll have all the fun with none of the hassle.
4. So, you eat lobster every day, though.
No. That’s Maine.
5. OK. Well, at least you’re Italian.
Federal Hill’s great and, yes, Buddy Cianci might be a God in these parts. But even though we enjoy the occasional cannoli or the more frequent slice of pizza (hold the cheese), that’s about as Italian as it gets for some of us.
6. All right. But you guys probably have a complex.
Lil’ Rhody didn’t get its nickname for nothing. Rhode Island is the smallest US state, but guess what? It doesn’t bother us. Not only do we have miles of epic coastline, an Ivy league university, a bomb food scene and some crazy cool history, but the people who call this place home are pretty awesome to boot. If anything, we actually like, even brag, about our size. How many states the size of Yosemite have this much cool shiz?
7. Wait, there’s more to Rhode Island than Providence and Newport?
Providence might have RISD and Waterfire and Newport might have mansions and sailing, but, like with any state, Rhode Islanders go where the tourists aren’t. Matunuck has some of the best surf spots (plus an old-timey theater by the sea) and Bristol is a prime destination for foodies (plus it has one of the oldest July 4th parades in the country).
8. With all that water I bet you dad’s a fisherman, isn’t he?
False. My dad was actually a politician.
9. But your mom — she’s probably one of those Stepford wives.
Why is it that any mention of New England brings to mind perfect, blonde housewives? Personally, my mother is neither blonde nor a housewife. If you’re looking for one of those, head to Connecticut.
10. But I heard people never leave Rhode Island.
Well, why would you?