Photo: William Perugini/Shutterstock

11 Signs You're Home in NYC

New York City
by Henry Miller Aug 31, 2016

1. You find yourself almost skipping to your subway stop in the morning: Nothing feels better than knowing that stressing over traffic, gas, and parking is for the boonies.

2. And yet you find yourself simultaneously considering never taking the train again: Yeah, don’t have to worry about traffic or parking, but maybe a morning without stepping over last night’s vomit and feeling molested by fellow crammed New Yorkers would be nice.

3. You heard four languages and watched three adults burst into tears in public before your first coffee: NYC is the city of languages. And anxiety and stress and just general soul-crushing anguish.

4. You kick your day off with a bacon-egg-cheese on an everything bagel with some solidly bland drip coffee: And you whispered “fugeddaboutit” under your breath when your favorite deli guy thanked you for the 25% tip.

5. Before walking into your office building, you stare up at all the buildings you forgot you missed: nothing like a good dose of self-importance from feeling like you are at the center of the universe.

6. You are no longer the A-hole friend who walks ahead of everybody: It just feels nice to have three friends that know how to walk two-by-two at break-neck speeds through midtown without stopping at a single crosswalk.

7. You slay at walking through stalled traffic during rush hour only to get almost-murdered by a Citibike: Remember when it was only one type of irresponsible moron controlling heavy machinery that you had to worry about?

8. Your “WTF is this sh*t?” face is getting regular exercise as everything you once loved with a passion is closed down: Worse yet, it has been replaced by a chain that probably started in the Midwest or California.

9. You absolutely nail subway directions for that childlike tourist lost in the fray: Upper West Side to Chinatown? Boom. Grand Central to Grand Concourse? Done. Williamsburg to Sunset Park? Easy. Crosstown? Ummm…

10. You end the day with Happy Hour at an Irish Bar; sake at a sushi bar; dessert at a Tiki bar and you closed down a karaoke bar in Koreatown: Anybody up for some Jamaican food?

11. You come home to an email from a landlord saying that he will take care of the dead something in your wall next week, that the hot water doesn’t work from 6:30 to 8:30 and your rent is going up $200 next month: So you bum a lucy from your roomie, climb the fire escape to the roof, stare out at the sea of life and beauty you can never leave and think, “Fuck me, right?”

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