Photo: Andriy Blokhin/Shutterstock

14 Signs You've Been in DC Too Long

Washington, D. C. Entertainment
by Matt Hershberger Nov 6, 2014
1. You no longer get excited about elections.

Sure, elections may mean a shift of power, but they also mean campaigns. And campaigns are the worst. Besides, you’re gonna be taxed without representation anyway. At least you have access to that sweet, sweet legalized weed.

2. You’re absolutely sick of the Air and Space Museum.

Every single person who visits you wants to go there. Every. Single. Goddamn. One.

3. You’re not fazed when a homeless guy shouts at you.

Sure, maybe he spit on you a little bit and called you a piece of shit, but that’s just the withdrawals talking. You’ll maybe tell your friends at the next happy hour, but they’ve ridden the D6 before, they know that you knew what you were getting into.

4. You don’t need to ask people at happy hours what they do for a living.

If they were important, you’d know them by now.

5. You’re rooting for the Nats.

Look, you probably weren’t born and raised here. If you were, you’d be an Orioles fan, not a Nats fan. The only reasons to root for the Nats is because the stadium is pretty easy to get to, and because it’s right next to Truckaroo. There are no other reasons.

6. When you visit other places, you have no idea what to talk about while drinking.

“No politics or religion while drinking? What else is there?”

7. You know how to arrange your week so you don’t pay for food once.

A symposium here, a meeting there, maybe a cocktail party, and a fundraiser if you’re feeling fancy: there’s always free food in DC. Booze, however, is an entirely different story.

8. You are no longer impressed by bumping into a famous politician.

You’ll still name-drop the shit out of them the next time you’re out, though.

9. You live on the Hill.

The only people who live on the Hill are people with babies and dog owners. Come on, people. It’s time to move out to the burbs.

10. You define alcoholism in tiers.

“Sloppy” is not okay. “Functioning” is essential.

11. You’ve been in your neighborhood for the duration of its gentrification.

You were there as a poor 20-something, back when it was still “sketchy.” You were there as a young professional, back when it started getting some cool bars, and you’ll be there in ten years when you finally get priced out and have to move to Arlington.

12. You’ve moved to a new neighborhood specifically to avoid the Red Line.

And it’s the best decision you’ve ever made.

13. You can actually afford to live in DC.

DC is full of young people who should absolutely not be living in that expensive of a city. Anyone who can afford to live there has made it to a point in their career where they could totally live somewhere else. Leave, please, and stop driving up prices for all the poor interns.

14. You have the OPM website bookmarked for snowy nights.

And you’ll check it every five minutes until it shows you the answer you want.

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