1. He believes that no amount of take-out is too much take-out.
On last count, you both ate out approximately six nights last week. And nope, you didn’t think twice about it.
2. He pulls up Google Maps when he gets into a taxi.
Only in New York do you have to be fully prepared to give turn-by-turn directions to a cab driver. You know not to hail a taxi until trusty Google Maps is locked and loaded. This isn’t London, it’s not a black cab, they don’t do ‘The Knowledge’. And if you’re in an outer borough, drivers are pretty much clueless.
3. He has no idea what a “sizable” living space is.
Every time you walk into one of his friends’ one-bedroomed shoeboxes in Manhattan, he stands around exclaiming how ‘roomy’ and ‘good value’ it is. Meanwhile, you struggle to pee quietly in the oh-so-conveniently located toilet, which is behind a 3-foot wall of glass cubes near the sofa. Cool. Well, it’s is all about the location.
4. He sees all NYC landmarks in terms of food.
Who cares about the best view of the Empire State Building, or visiting the Statue of Liberty? It’s all about the food. He’ll show you where the best taco food truck is located, and where to purchase the finest quality 99-cent slice of pizza instead.
5. He claims that he doesn’t have a superiority complex, but…
“Ohhh, you’re from New Jersey…I’m sorry.”
“Long Island? Meh, that’s not the city is it.”
Your marriage has caused you to subconsciously pity anyone who doesn’t live in the Big Apple.
6. He believes in only one neighborhood.
To him, there’s only one neighborhood that’s the best in NYC…his. Talk to any New Yorker about their neighborhood, and they will fight tooth and nail to convince you why theirs is THE BEST place to live and why yours is the LAMEST place to live.
7. He knows where every bottomless mimosa is hiding.
Sunday is now — by far — your drunkest day of the week. It will also be the day you get the most drunk for the least amount of money.
8. He shops strictly at bodegas.
I mean, it’s literally on the corner and some even deliver right to your door. He 100% doesn’t have the time (or the energy) to walk down 15 flights of stairs and back. There’s no elevator, it’s a lot of work.
9. He doesn’t believe in waiting.
Whether it be for public transport, food, or drinks, it is not acceptable to wait longer than 5 minutes to get on a subway or wait for a hamburger. This is New York — New Yorkers don’t have time to wait around.
10. He moves like a gazelle.
He’s very accomplished at hopping from foot-to-foot, ducking and weaving his way through hoards and hoards of people-traffic. If you dare come to a halting stop in front of him, be prepared to get steamrolled.
11. He’s street smart.
While walking in the street or riding the subway, he knows better than to make eye contact with anyone that looks a little ‘unstable’. This guy can even walk firmly on when a random man hollers “Heeeere’s Johnny!” in his face.
12. He has a healthy sense of disdain for every tourist.
You merely utter the word ‘tourist’ and it’s met with a sigh and a tut.
“There are too many of them.”
“They don’t move quickly enough.”
“Don’t even get me started on Times Square.”
He’s completely forgotten that you — his wife — were once a slow-moving Times Square-lingering tourist.
13. He’d rather die of thirst than pay $15 for a drink.
“Only tourists pay that much for a drink in Manhattan.” He knows that two blocks away on Rivington Street, you can get a $5 PBR and a shot.
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