16 Things You’ll Never Hear Anyone Say in Michigan
1. “What’s Amway?”
Open any bathroom closet here. See that box of skincare products sitting untouched all the way in the back? Or maybe check under the kitchen sink for something to clean the counter? Or in the laundry room? Or basically anywhere, since Amway rules the world here, and does it right from little old Ada, Michigan.
2. “It’s too cold to…”
It’s never too cold for Michiganders.
3. “I’m a Blackhawks fan.”
Then go back to Chicago. This is Red Wings territory, and we will throw octopi wherever we please.
4. “I’m more of an ocean person.”
We love our lakes, and we’d take their ice cold fresh water over your salty, eye-burning ocean water any day of the week. If you haven’t experienced a Michigan summer on the third coast, don’t assume that you are an ocean person.
5. “March is my favorite month.”
The Thanksgiving first snow is fine. The continual January dump is doable. But seriously, come March, and I’m pretty sure every Michigander is about done with the disgusting gray slush, whiteout driving conditions, and spending ten minutes to get bundled up to brave the daily mailbox trek. Five months of full on hibernation is a bit absurd, Mother Nature…
6. “Wow, these highways are so smooth.”
Once you cross the state line, don’t be alarmed if one of your front wheels dips into a crater or two. Yes, you’re going to need to get your alignment checked regularly, and no this is apparently not where your tax dollars are going.
7. “This water is so balmy.”
Said no one ever after toe-tipping into one of Michigan’s lakes.
8. “Portland has the best beer.”
Maybe Portland had the best beer, but then Michigan came along and the rest is history. With Founder’s, Bell’s, Short’s, New Holland, and Jolly Pumpkin (just to name a few), we’ve got Beer City USA locked down.
9. “I wish northern Michigan was prettier.”
Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore was named the “Most Beautiful Place in America” on ABC’s Good Morning America. So yeah, it’s pretty damn pretty…
10. “American-made cars are shit.”
Yes, we are the home of the auto industry, and despite our rise and fall, we are proud of it.
11. “It’s too late for a coney dog.”
There is a reason Coney Island’s are open 24 hours a day, and it’s because it is never too late for a coney dog (despite what your stomach might tell you a couple hours later).
12. “Is it pronounced paste-y?”
No, it’s not. Clearly, you’re not from here… We do not eat delicious decorated nipple covers on a regular basis. We eat pasties, PASS-TEES.
13. “Go Buckeyes!”
We cheer for colors, not nuts. Go green or go blue, but buck the fuckeyes.
14. “Why are you pointing to your hand?”
You asked me where I lived right?! Well, then, I am showing you. Look at a map, and you’ll see that Michigan is shaped just like my hand…
15. “Are you driving to Mack-i-Nack?”
First of all, no, I am not because it is an island and cars are not allowed. Second of all, it’s pronounced Mack-i-naw. But, I hope you have a lot fun getting fat on our fudge!
16. “Bring me a Canada Dry.”
Yuck. Everyone in Michigan knows that Vernors is the only way to cure your tummy ache. And, keep the can because it’s worth 10¢ if you return it.