Photo: Maks Ershov/Shutterstock

18 Superpowers You Have When You Live in Salt Lake City

Salt Lake City
by Allan Stumpe Jul 18, 2016

1. You are a human map and compass easily able to find a seemingly arbitrary set of numbers, such as 252 E 400 S, without a map or GPS relying solely on your understanding of the grid system and the fact that the mountains are to the east and the Great Salt Lake is to the west.

2. The Boy Scout motto, “Be Prepared”, gave you the power to plan accordingly and purchase all required liquor before holidays, Sundays, and/or 10pm, according to your local, state-ran liquor store hours.

3. Your iron lungs are thanks to a combination of bad air due to inversion and the decrease of oxygen at high altitudes which requires a top notch internal breathing apparatus.

4. Being booked every Thursday in the summer to drink local craft beer, eat from local food trucks, and hang out with thousands of your best friends at Pioneer Park for the Twilight Concert Series.

5. You have dry, scaly skin that comes in handy when…

6. You can say “No!” as well as Meghan Trainor: No, I’m not Mormon. No, I don’t ski. No, I don’t have a handful of wives. No, I don’t personally know Steve Young or the Osmonds. No, Salt Lake City is not dry (I mean yes, there is no humidity, but no, it is not lacking alcohol).

7. Relishing the days of Stockton to Malone, Coach Jerry Sloan, and the one and only Hot Rod Hundley.

8. The power of a master chef to create fry sauce when the spot you’re at doesn’t supply it or you’re traveling out of town.

9. Conquering the fringe season is your jam; skiing/snowboarding in the morning, mountain biking in the afternoon.

10. If you’re not hungry you eat anyway, so you can drink, especially at Epic Brewing Company, where the brew is strong and award winning.

11. The ability to pick between six different mountain resorts within an hour drive for your snowboarding, skiing, or mountain biking adventure.

12. You don’t need the f-word, you’re very capable of creating your own swear words, for fetch sakes!

13. Deciphering that “mow’in” means mountain.

14. The power of the best road trips to thirteen of “America’s Greatest Idea” national parks and monuments.

15. The power to float with very little effort in the Great Salt Lake.

16. A repertoire of weapons from SUP’s, kayaks, fishing poles, and canoes to hit up Jordanelle Reservoir.

17. The power to defeat Colossus: The Fire Dragon and Cannibal at Lagoon.

18. You have the ability to flawlessly navigate the never-ending construction on I-15 or avoid it all together using TRAX or FrontRunner.

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