38 things someone from Tennessee would never say

1. “Jack…that’s a bourbon, right?”

2. “I really commend Iron Man 3 with its spot-on depiction of Chattanooga.”

3. “Meh. The state could be redder.”

4. “He ended the argument with ‘I’ll pray for you,’ so everything’s probably fine.”

5. “Actually, I root for the Denver Broncos solely because they’re an all-around fantastic team.”

6. “If we time it right, we can get to Cracker Barrel right as the church crowd does.”

7. “What’s a Sundrop?”

8. “Do you have unsweetened iced tea?”

9. “The Bell Witch doesn’t exist.”

10. “Is this vegetarian?”

11. “I just said ‘yeah’ to an 85-year-old man. The look on his face was priceless!”

12. “…But with no available options, where am I supposed to go to church?”

13. “I just love the look on out-of-towners’ faces when they find out I’m actually not a rhinestone-wearing racist who valiantly bleeds red, white, and blue.”

14. “Man, living in a dry county is so badass.”

15. “Ugh, there’s literally nothing to do outside.”

16. “Dolly who?”

17. “Fried moonpie? Sounds like a disaster.”

18. “What’s sales tax?”

19. “Krystals or White Castle?”

20. “You know, orange really is such a beautiful color.”

21. “Wine sold at grocery stores? We don’t need it.”

22. “I mean, I know it’s Game Day and all, but people will still come to my party, right?”

23. “Atlanta is the birthplace of Coca-Cola. Definitely.”

24. “Well, if you’re looking for a low-key dive bar with no chance of hearing brutal renditions of ‘Don’t Stop Believing,’ I’d definitely stick with Honky Tonk Highway.”

25. “Besides Ke$ha and Miley Cyrus, what other musicians are from Tennessee?”

26. “Blueberry pie moonshine? From a mason jar? What do I look like to you? A 19th century Appalachian mountain man?”

27. “Could Nashville lay off with the whole free music thing for a while? We’re not a freakin’ charity case.”

28. “Too bad we don’t have a bigger barbecue festival to see how North Carolina and Texas do it right.”

29. “Country music? Hate it.”

30. “The forecast is only calling for a dusting, so I’ll see you bright and early at work tomorrow.”

31. “Some stranger just waved at me on the road. Is that weird?”

32. “Well, all I have is this burger, so I’m not sure what we could possibly eat that fried egg with.”

33. “First Friday in August? Sounds like a good time to get some casual back-to-school shopping done.”

34. “I just don’t understand why Tennessee got so much shit for trying to make the consumption of flattened fauna legal. Isn’t the highway pretty much already a buffet?”

35. “Congrats on beating us for having the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, Poughkeepsie!”

36. “When you used that ‘you’re the only ten I see’ pickup line, I thought you were so funny and cute. Would you like to sleep with me?”

37. “Ha, yeah. I’ve actually been to more than the 8 bordering states, but I completely understand why you’d assume I hadn’t.”

38. “My accent is pretty funny, isn’t it? I’m glad we can all laugh about it together!”