1. You drank PBR before it was cool.
As a toddler growing up in Wisconsin, Pabst Blue Ribbon was probably the first beer you tasted as your Grandpa slipped you a sip under the Sheepshead table and then laughed as your face wrinkled up like curdling cheese. Before hipsters began plastering PBR logos on $30 faux-vintage t-shirts, and before anyone outside of Cheeseland even knew what it was, PBR was a Wisconsinite’s rite of passage. Once you were able to tolerate drinking a can of the bubbly, rusty nail water, that sort of tastes like ham, you became a real man/woman.
2. You’re the first person in the pool at a pool party.
Ask most Coasties to jump in the pool at a pool party and you’ll likely get snubbed. In Wisconsin, when you show up to a pool party, you get wet. Growing up, anytime you came across a moderately swimmable body of water at a social gathering, O you betcha! Da ‘Sconnies goin’ fer a swim now! True Cheeseheads like to jump right to the part of the party where everyone is going crazy and having a ridiculous, sometimes dangerous, amount of fun — the wetter the better.
3. You don’t leave the party until the morning.
When it comes to having a good time, Wisconsin folks are all in. Responsibilities of tomorrow dissolve as quickly as the head on an ice cold pint of Miller Lite. Old fashioned backyard Badger bonfires are known to rage on until the crack of dawn, or until all the booze is gone. Your party hearty Badger buddy is experienced in the craft of residential rowdiness. Since drinking and driving is always a bad idea, at the end of the night your host will make sure your keys go missing, then steer you into the nearest couch, chair, table, toilet, bathtub, or floor. When you wake up still drunk, don’t be surprised to find yourself tucked into a cozy bed with the smell of pancakes in the air, because your awesome Wisconsin friend tucked your sloppy drunken self in and made you a thick triple stack of fluffy flapjacks. Wisconsin is awesome.
4. You never show up empty-handed.
Generosity breeds in the Midwest. Bringing something to contribute to the cause is in your DNA. Bottles of bubbly wine are nice, but beer or a big cheese plate are what you’d like to bring to your friends Friday night barbecue. For your favorite people you’ll even bust out your famous pulled pork brisket with the secret bbq sauce, but only for your barnyard besties.
5. You are the game master.
Games are taken seriously in Packer Nation — all games. Classics include corn hole, hammerschlagen, sheepshead, euchre, dominos, and bingo with Grandma. You probably haven’t heard of all these games unless you’re a native. For the unfamiliar, trust me when I tell you they are fiercely competitive events, and a source of Packer-people-pride. The competitive spirit is especially high in drink-olympic games like beer pong, flip cup, and quarters. If you muster the courage to challenge a Dairyland Dude to a drinking game, be warned, you are signing yourself up for a dismal defeat and a nasty hangover.