1. The long-suffering bartender
He works at Rathbones on 89th and 2nd, or Rathboner, as you and your friends like to call it. It’s a roach-infested, beer-varnished cave with drinks served in plastic cups and Christmas lights twinkling in July. The smell of stale lager is forever wafting down the sidewalk like a personal olfactory lighthouse. But what it lacks in charm, it makes up in being extremely close to your apartment.
The long-suffering bartender always greets you with, “Jesus Christ, what are you doing here again?” It makes you feel right at home in the neighborhood. When you and your friend flail alone like two sweaty chickens on an empty dance floor at 9pm on a Tuesday night, when you’re loudly and unapologetically rejected by dudes with no sense of humor, and when you obliviously wander around the bar for a half hour with toilet paper stuck to your shoe, he’s there to cringe and bear witness to the horror. Even though you’re sure he’d vehemently deny all association with you, as far as you’re concerned, he’s your friend.