1. Starbucks is good enough.

If you’re drinking Starbucks from a K-cup when Zoka and their Tangletown Blend is just around the corner, your life deserves to taste as burnt as a marshmallow held over a campfire for 20 minutes.

2. Ivar’s has the best seafood.

Nope. The best Ivar’s has to offer is a postcard view of Lake Washington (without the photoshopped-in sunny-blue-sky weather) and complimentary pre-dinner cornmeal muffins. Selfie-stick-wielding tourists that chose the first ‘high rating seafood’ location to pop up on their Yelp feeds overcrowd this spot. Going to Ivar’s for ‘the best seafood’ while in Seattle is like going to Dunkin’ Donuts for the ‘best pastry’ when in Boston (side note: in Boston, the best pastry is Mike’s Pastry in the North End for the cannoli). Instead of Ivar’s, head to Pike Street Fish Fry, which is a hole in the wall spot on Capitol Hill run by a staff of heavy-metal-lovin’, leather-clad dudes. The rag-tag crew has a mad talent for frying up catfish and cod and salmon to appease the ravenous appetites of the Hill’s late night binge drinkers and fried fish junkies. I consider myself a member of both such parties.

3. Seattle Cantinas should be avoided.

Just ‘cause we aren’t 300 yards from the border doesn’t mean we don’t have a select few restaurants that can serve up quality Mexican food. Head to El Camion Adentro. They’ve progressed from their early, humble, food truck beginnings to populating a number of endearing brick-n-mortar establishments throughout the city. El Camion Adentro reminds you that gut-melting Mexican food is worth it when adobada burritos and cheesy mulitas are in the mix.

4. We’re not serious about our pie.

Yes, we’re coffee-wielding cowboys, but that doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy a greased-up cheesy slice of ‘za. We’re a state with 251+ breweries spread over mountain range, lake, and sound. There’s a simple equation in life, and that is: lots of (good) beer = lots of (good) pizza.

5. Beth’s Café is the best hangover killer/brunch spot.

The servings are massive rubbery mounds, the bacon’s burnt black, and the walls suffocate under the weight of a thousand Crayola-illustrated drawings that are unnerving as fuck. The impossibly large platters are like all you can eat 24/7 Vegas buffets. Instead, head to 5 Point Cafe. It’s a swell 24/7 breakfast and bar spot downtown ran by amiable alcoholics, serving hungry alcoholics since 1929. Because who doesn’t feel like having a 16 oz. Rainier and a chicken fried steak after a long night?

6. You’ve gotta’ eat a bag of Dicks.

You think you’re funny or something? And you probably don’t even have any cash on you. What kind of burger spot only takes cash? Dick’s is not a Seattle version of In-N-Out Burger. With a mere four burger varieties, fries with the skin kept on, and unmemorable shakes, there’s no reason you shouldn’t save your cash and seek out the golden arches. At least indulge your unhealthy proclivities at a place with some variety on the menu.

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